We don’t need more division, but research does indicate liberals tend to prefer cats over dogs. Maybe it’s because urban areas are more accommodative to cats, and that’s where liberals live.  Perhaps one reason is that liberals are not as giving, and an animal that doesn’t require much care fits in nicely with a selfish group of people. Or perhaps the aloofness of snooty cats resonates deeply with the liberal crowd.

By contrast, dogs relish their family roles.  They maintain a somewhat conservative disposition, and even appreciate a bit of authority to establish boundaries, rather than wishy-washy liberal “my dog is my child” gobbledygook that confuses them.

There’s a day for just about everything, including Responsible Dog Ownership Day, occurring on September 17th under the auspices of the American Kennel Club. In addition to the basic responsibility of truly caring for one’s furry companion, I’d like to suggest another:  recognition that Fido is not conversant in any language — except a few words in police and military talk.  And definitely not versed in liberal word-salads.

I’ve had, or maybe they’ve had me, three dogs at different times.  They were all special, but none could speak anything other than K-9.  Our gestures and intonations might communicate vague emotions, but words like “get down off the couch and go to your corner,” or “stop biting the poor postman and get off him immediately,” aren’t even Greek to them, let alone English.

I confirmed this by checking the AKA website. There’s simply no evidence that Canis lupus familiaris is unilingual, let alone multilingual.  Nevertheless, so many dog companions engage in extensive animated chats with their pooch.  One, whom I ran into on my lunch break at the local park, encouraged his dog to “come here, leave the gentleman alone.”  Unfortunately, the dog misinterpreted that as:  “good boy!  Now jump all over him and be sure to slobber all over his work clothes… and if you leave your muddy paw prints there’s an extra treat for you.”

I discovered that my dog almost understood the word “speak,” but three syllables like “gentleman” are a linguistic challenge.  Dogs are miraculous at sensing our emotions, and amazing at sniffing out our ailments or things untoward, but they don’t know what “gentleman” means, so how are they going to disengage from overzealous play?

I tested my last dog’s vocabulary.  After much repetition and numerous bags of treats I was able to get him to bark when I told him to “speak.”  So clever, I thought.  Then, one day a visitor implored Welly to “squeak” — to my dismay, he barked.  Not so clever after all — he’s only supposed to bark when told to speak, so there goes months of English-language training down the drain.  Though I guess from his “pawspective” he did get plenty of treats along the way; after all, responsible dog ownership includes recognition of his liberal lexical limits.

This is not to discourage a good ol’ chin-wag with our trusty companions.  They may not appreciate the intricacies of human languages, but they’ll definitely soak up the attention and “pawcieve” the general tenor, all the while relishing the attention. The moral (in addition to not wearing fancy duds at the park) is that there’s little point in walkers’ telling their dogs, in fuzzy liberal language that a human toddler couldn’t even understand, to stop despoiling the gentleman’s spiffy attire.

Dogs don’t understand liberal gobbledygook. Instead of muttering a word-salad, a simple conservative “come here” in a sharp, pitched tone might work, but that’s about the extent of their linguistic abilities (none of those electric pulse zapper things, though). Better yet, responsible (conservative) dog ownership means obeying the leash laws, at least with strangers in proximity, then letting them loose after passing.

After all, while dogs have special sensory powers, and can certainly exhibit signs of intelligence, they have a limited ability to comprehend literal liberal communication.  Perhaps the lesson in commanding one’s rampant dog in public is to be conservative with words... but maybe this is moot, as conservatives are more likely to be responsible dog owners compared to catty liberals.

Image: Free image, Pixabay license.