Flag football, cricket, lacrosse, and squash are additions to the Olympic program in L.A. in 2028.  How about “slow swimming”?

One of the Olympic Games slogans is “Faster, Higher, Stronger.”  Isn’t that discriminatory?  Sometimes it’s more inclusive to take things nice and slow and easy.  We don’t tell people to “take it fast,” after all.

Medaling for being the slowest participant wouldn’t work in most sports, but swimming may present an equality of opportunity for the less fleet.  The Olympic Games already hosts a peculiar event known as speed-walking.  It’s hard to watch other than for some humor, for it presents a comical attempt to avoid breaking out into a jog — which would probably be easier, as they seem to expend a lot of effort in not doing so.

If speed-walkers can participate in what is essentially a slow jog, then apply a similar inclusivity concept in the pool.  Slow swimming would actually be quite challenging for competitors and compelling for the audience.

To avoid pool-scheduling bottlenecks, the events (one for each stroke) should be limited to fifty meters — one length of the pool.  Similar to speed-walkers-cum-joggers, the competitors must maintain their stroke (as sanctioned by whatever body governs it) or face disqualification.  They must always move forward — no treading water.  Instead of touching the wall, their time ends upon crossing, in continuous motion, the 49-meter mark.

If those who cannot undertake a proper marathon run downgrade themselves to walking, then why not introduce something comparable in the pool?  It may sound like a Monty Python skit, but it will require a lot of skill to maintain proper technique and forward momentum, however gradual, without drowning.  Though it may be just as funny.

Importantly, the ability to swim slowly, and for a long time, has more real-world applications — e.g., making it inexorably back to shore when one’s boat is sinking.

The International Olympic Committee is composed of effete wussies.  They are infected with wokeism, forever touting fair play, inclusion, and equality.  Well, slow swimming events will help ensure those.  They will also promote fair play by eliminating the biological advantage that accrues to males pretending to be females.  Indeed, females generally float more easily than men, so I doubt “trans women” will dare enter their swimming crawls.

Image: Jea. via Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 4.0.