President Biden has retired to Camp David this week to prepare for Thursday’s debate with Donald Trump. While ordinary preparation would involve quizzing by staff on the issues of the day, honing and rehoning his answers, Biden’s preparation is of a completely different sort.

You can bet the ranch that his doctors are frantically attempting to find the magic bullet -- the precise dosages of medications that will jack him up to normal or near-normal degrees of consciousness without appearing overly wired, provide him with a competitive edginess without appearing overly combative or angry, and give him the ability to move his limbs and lips without appearing frenetic. A possible, desirable side effect would be an inhibition to embellishment and outright mendacity.

Those same doctors believed they had it nailed for the State of the Union address. The address was delivered as late in the season as possible to give the doctors time to work on their magic formula. They had Biden wired alright, but too wired. They had him edgy but too edgy-combative, in fact. And while he did not spin any ridiculous tales of cannibals eating his relatives, he did embellish his pathetic record with lies of the statistical variety and personal accomplishments not anywhere in evidence.

Now, the task for these men of medicine, these would-be makers of miracles, is beyond difficult. It is herculean. Juan Ponce de Leon died without discovering the fountain of youth. He obsessively searched in what is now the state of Florida, home of early-bird senior specials and the most notable retirement communities in the country -- heaven’s waiting room. It’s possible that if he had pursued his obsession in early California with its youth culture, he might have had a better chance at success. And we all know the difficulties Goldilocks faced in finding just the right temperature porridge, the most comfortable chair, and the most desirable bed. She should have called Mike Lindell.

If the doctors are successful, if Biden remains upright and adequately animated, speaks in entire words and sentences, and doesn’t challenge Trump to a fistfight out back, they will have pulled off a modern-day medical miracle. It’s entirely possible that Biden, with the considerable help of the sycophantic moderators, will appear normal, even presidential, and hold his own in the debate with an obviously superior debater in Trump.

It is unfortunate that anyone taking notes of the various drug dosages will not be allowed to share them with the public. People will be expected to believe the unlikely fact that Joe is sharp as ever, maybe sharper. No drug test will be given to inform the public how this occurred. How sad for the millions of elderly who could benefit from these Biden drug trials if they prove successful. The chance that anyone will ever know what they injected into Joe’s butt is slim. I just hope those doctors and his followers are as disappointed as was Ponce de Leon, and that come January 20, 2025, Sleepy Joe can retire to any mattress he likes. I’m sure Mike will even throw in a ‘My Pillow’ for the former president’s comfort.

Bill Hansmann is a dentist and dental educator with over fifty years in the profession. He continues to teach and write political blogs and semi-mediocre novels while living with his wife and cats in Georgia.

Image: Olia Danilevich