In October of last year, when I satirically wrote “Coming Soon To A Brain Near You” I anticipated that it would be a few years before Elon Musk’s dream-baby would actually be born.

In the past four days, there have been hundreds of articles regarding the first in-human Neuralink implant. The quadriplegic individual has not yet been named, but they will undoubtedly go down in history, if only a twitch of their little finger can be accomplished. Medical pioneers, like Dr. Christian Barnard who, in 1967 performed the first heart transplant, are also remembered.

Few people over 50 can still recall the first person who received (or performed) the groundbreaking surgery which saw a baboon heart transplanted into a human infant.

(Let us pause for a moment and give thanks to all the dogs, cats, rats and primates that have contributed to medical research and saved hundreds of thousands of human lives.)

Back to Neuralink's breaking news. What are the possible unintended “benefits” (and WTF consequences) of human brains being one with the internet, libraries, artificial intelligence, each other, and the universe?

If a person (physically-disabled or not) has been equipped with direct access of thought-to-internet, should they be allowed to compete on game shows, chess matches or anything related to intellectual prowess?

Let’s hypothesize that some of the early Neuralink recipients, in addition to regaining use of arms, fingers and legs, mysteriously also develop phenomenal  artistic, mathematical, or musical skills, such as audiographic or photographic memories?

What parent, learning of the benefits of neurotechnology, wouldn’t agree to letting their “normal” child receive the advantages of a quantum physics prodigy or a young Beethoven?

If a child of 12 suddenly decides they want to permanently change “genders” then who should stand in the way? What are the moral issues surrounding the 8-year-old, of mediocre intelligence and confined to a wheelchair, who wants to be the next Stephen Hawking? Should this person receive the Neuralink “miracle,” based upon their youthful hopes and dreams?

Let’s pretend that your 14-year-old has been granted membership in the MENSA society, but wants to become “normal” and no longer be treated like a freak of nature?

Could his/her/its brain be fitted with reverse-neural wiring to be assimilated back into their peer group?

Perhaps, someone dealing with the psychology child prodigies, can explain why so many of these young masterminds frequently feel isolated and unnatural.

Another potential benefit of Neuralink-like modifications might be accelerated muscle growth, stamina, and resistance to pain. I’m sure someone at the Pentagon, CIA, football coaches, the International Olympic Committee (on Doping and Performance Enhancers), ISIS, HAMAS, the USMC (and the MMA). are already interested in these super-human possibilities.

Even the fight against diseases may become part of a “mandatory” neural implant national (health and safety) policy.

With proper, confidential monitoring by the government, a simple implant (Free of charge!) would enable doctors to know if you are about to have a heart attack by programming your ears to twitch; or they might be alerted to an ischemic stroke because your cerebral waves are transmitting CNN breaking news from January 6th, 2020.

Your sugar levels, dietary habits, and drug intake (both prescribed and recreational) could be instantly available, by satellite relay, to tenured medical bureaucrats, law enforcement, and the nearest ambulance (or Uber) drivers.

Since heart disease is America’s number one killer, if the CDC “follows the science” they could remotely administer a gentle neural “shock” to dissuade weak-willed gluttons from stopping at bakeries or fast food locations.

Similar, but stronger, “reminder currents” would be sent to those who are not following their medically-mandated exercise regime.

When approximately 375,000 people die each year from eating too many french fries and banana cream pies, or they fail to walk 5 miles each day, a national mandate for everyone to be implanted with “health and safety” neural-technology devices (H&S NTD) must be implemented. No more thoughts and prayers, we demand action!

Do it, for the children...or else.

Image generated by AI.