If there was any remaining doubt that we live in an absurd, topsy-turvy world, that doubt has been crushed.  An article by Eric Lendrum in the August 11, 2022 edition of American Greatness reveals that a Bill Gates–funded scientist has declared that eating candy is healthier than eating meat.

Dr. Darius Mozaffarian, a cardiologist and dean of the Tufts University Friedman School of Nutrition Science and Policy, has declared just that.  His "Food Compass," a system devised to objectively rate foods and beverages on a 0 to 100 scale for nutritional value, has rated Reese's Peanut Butter Cups at 30 compared to ground beef at 26.  The sugar-packed cereal Lucky Charms is given a score of 69, while grilled chicken comes in at 61.

After practicing dentistry for over half a century, and now being involved in educating future dentists, I am stunned.  It seems that all those speeches I gave on nutrition and avoiding candy were just plain wrong.  After years of passing out toothbrushes and dental floss, I realize now that I should have been giving my patients Snickers bars.  I shudder to think of the damage I and others in my profession have done to generations of patients by suggesting that a grilled chicken sandwich might be a good lunch selection rather than recommending a Kit-Kat or Milky Way.

Being objective, however, I see no reason why dentistry should not be impacted by such nonsense.  Economists are left shaking their heads over what is and is not a recession.  Scientists are unwilling to answer who is, is not, or just possibly may be a woman.  Daisy Duck is left questioning whether her paramour Donald, though looking, walking, and quacking like a duck, is actually a true canard and not, perhaps, a transgender possum in feathery disguise.

Prior to this nutrition bombshell, the most controversial slogan that dentistry ever had to deal with was when former Maryland lieutenant governor Michael Steele declared, "Drill, baby, drill."  Patients pleaded with me not to take those words to heart.  Fortunately, common sense prevailed, and I did the "drill thing" only when necessary.

I have, therefore, decided to take the controversial position of continuing to advocate for chicken over chocolate, turkey over taffy, and beef over Baby Ruths.  If St. Peter greets me at the Golden Gates one day by telling me I am not welcome due to my unwoke attitude toward candy consumption, I suppose I will be damned to an eternity of Red Hots.  I pray it will not be so.

Image: Amarand Agasi.