-SATIRE-

With the approach of the new year, one's thoughts naturally turn toward the future...especially in dire times like these.  In fact, listening to the media, one might be excused for wondering if we have a future, what with the ongoing Worst Pandemic the World's Ever Seen, climate change, overpopulation, pollution, and of course the existential threat posed by White supremacists.

That said, I have spent the past few days speculating as to what might transpire in the 2024 U.S. presidential election.  I have come up with a number of scenarios I believe are plausible.  To wit:

– President Biden decrees that there will be no election in 2024.  He signs an executive order banning all future presidential elections "until such time as there is no possibility that the Democratic candidate could lose," stating that this "is the only way we can save our democracy."  Courts rule that the order by executive fiat is unconstitutional, but Biden urges all states, municipalities, and precincts to comply with his edict anyway.  They do.

– Several months before the election, President Pelosi announces that, due to the "truly existential threat" posed by the coronavirus Upsilon Variant currently "rampaging through the nation," all polling places will be shuttered, and only mail-in voting will be allowed.  Dr. Fauci tells the country, "We can soon achieve some semblance of normality as soon as 100% of the populace get their seventh booster shot."   

– Many prospective Republican candidates will be imprisoned on Trumped up charges, as will many of their potential supporters, most for refusing to be vaccinated.  President Harris cackles loudly when asked about this, stating: "Sadly, this was the only way we could save our democracy."

– Democrats miraculously win again when their candidate receives 99.8% of the votes counted in battleground states between 3 and 6 A.M.

I have also considered some less likely, but nonetheless entertaining scenarios.

– Stacey Abrams is the Democratic candidate and immediately announces she is transitioning to a man.  She He simultaneously comes out as a pansexual polyamorous person, becoming the first PPPOC presidential candidate in history.  He subsequently asks Pete Buttigieg to be on the ticket with him.  The erstwhile transportation secretary accepts, as he has just finished his parental leave.  Buttigieg balances the ticket as a cis-gay, cis-white cis-male from the north.  This "Dream Ticket" would have all the bases covered, except for the ever-shrinking and now essentially meaningless straight Christian male vote.  Buttigieg's "husband" Chasten becomes the second ever Second Gentleman, the first one "married" to another man.  Abrams becomes the first ever non-binary president!

– Speaking of firsts, we could have the first ever Masked Presidential Election, borrowing the trope from the popular FOX reality television show, The Masked Singer.  In this scenario, every presidential candidate in each party would have to wear a full — and outlandish — costume, including a fake and all-encompassing head cover, for the entire campaign.  Only after the election is over and a winner decided will that candidate take his/her/they headgear off to reveal his/her/they identity.  Only then will we know who the incoming president is.  What drama!  Think of the possibilities!  This could be Hillary's best — and last — chance!  It could also help potential candidates like Maxine Waters, Joy Reid, and Jack Dorsey.  Imagine the crestfallen faces of Republicans if the Masked Candidate turned out to be one of these folks!  Imagine Democrats' chagrin and despair if the victorious candidate was revealed to be, say, David Portnoy, Joe Rogan, Larry Elder, Aaron Rogers, or Candace Owens!

If one of the latter five potential candidates were revealed to be the new commander-in-chief, perhaps we could actually "save our democracy representative republic."

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