We are packing up as I compose this.  My wife and I had a long talk last night and decided that because it will be so much safer in a community that confiscates assault weapons and, without a doubt, ultimately all potentially dangerous weapons, we are moving to the Village of Deerfield, Illinois!

As you probably know, the concerned Deerfield Village Council members have just passed an ordinance that states, "The possession, manufacture and sale of assault weapons in the Village of Deerfield is not reasonably necessary to protect an individual's right of self-defense or the preservation or efficiency of a well-regulated militia."  The edict bans the manufacture, sale, and possession of high-capacity magazines and assault weapons, which will "increase the public's sense of safety."  A fine of $1,000 per day will be levied against any reprobate resident refusing to relinquish his banned firearm until said offending armament is surrendered.

As a previously proud owner of a small armory, I have enjoyed extracting its contents from my gun safe and discharging these arms in what I considered to be a safe manner at facilities and locations designed for just this purpose. But of course, I now realize how very wrong and unsafe I have been according to my betters, those arbiters of the Constitution and distributors of wisdom who occupy seats on the Deerfield Village Council.  For the sake of the public's "sense of safety," I will comply.

We've rented a nice little condo in our new sanctuary of safety (there are plenty of new vacancies if you're interested).  Sure, it's much smaller, but safer, than our current home.  You know, downsizing is okay because we anticipate that we will be forfeiting a lot of our stuff, which the city will confiscate due to its potentially dangerous nature – so we simply don't need as large a home as we now have.

Here's my logic.  Banning assault weapons is only the beginning, for as we all know, the good Democrats who constitute the council will find it absolutely impossible and unreasonable to stop there.  Whether you call it incrementalism, mission creep, or the camel's nose under the tent, the dear Deerfieldians are about to find themselves in the headlights of the power-giddy Village Council.

But heck, I couldn't be happier about the new level of safety my darling wife and I will be introducing into our own and other villagers' lives!  So to fully communicate the reason for my jubilance with you, allow me to paint you a picture of what I anticipate the Deerfield Village Idiots – oops, I mean council – will eventually require me to relinquish to improve the public's "sense of safety."

Here we go – my assault rifles, assault shotguns, assault handguns, assault ammo and mags, assault Honda Odyssey van, assault Honda Accord auto (full auto – get it?), assault knives (and forks), assault bicycles, assault hand and power tools, assault lawn care implements, assault kitchen appliances, assault cookware and utensils, assault furniture (end tables, lamps, and such are frequently used as bludgeons), assault bedding – obviously, assault clothing, assault electronics, assault sports gear, assault pets, and finally my dynamite assault spouse.

It is so reassuring and comforting to know that I am moving to such a safe space, where no one will or can ever be "triggered."