"As I am writing this I realize the depth of the damage and disappointment I have left behind at home and at NBC."  That is startling: a media bigfoot did not know that showing his penis to a coworker or giving her a sex toy is inappropriate.  Values clarification for a 59-year-old.  Maybe he can be a facilitator at one of those college "orientations" where they instruct the freshmen on proper use of sex toys – you know, to promote the healing "at home and at NBC."

Come on, NBC: offer another course in sexual harassment training, as the House of Representatives is doing.  That'll fix it!  Just one more training!  You paid Lauer $25 million per year, and he did not know that raping a woman – or sexually assaulting; it's not clear – in a locked room at work is a no-no. I mean, how is someone like Lauer to know that?

To be fair, he has a partial defense: "Some of what is being said about me is untrue."  Since he conveniently does not specify "some," it's pretty safe to say that those items are trivial.

But wait!  His lawyers are negotiating a $30-million payout package.  He's remorseful, but not that remorseful.  Or maybe he needs the swag so he can donate a portion – minuscule, but a portion – to a charity that supports women, like Planned Parenthood.  Wouldn't want him to have to sell his house on the Upper East Side ($6 million) or one of his hovels in the Hamptons ($36 million and $15 million) or his ranch in New Zealand ($9 million).

So once the settlement comes through, go for it, Matt!  Atone for a bit of "the damage and disappointment I have left behind at home and at NBC."  Mrs. Lauer and your former colleagues at NBC would be tickled pink.

Several years ago, Matt said, "I do feel a desire now to find something spiritual. Getting married and wanting to have kids has something to do with that."  You've come a long way, baby!

Henry Percy is the nom de guerre of a writer in Arizona.  He may be reached at saler.50d[at]gmail.com.