Have you ever wondered what the story of Santa Claus would be like if it were written today?

Santa Claus would probably be a transgender woman of color.  He/She might still have reindeer, but they wouldn't be called Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen.  They would probably be called something like Fidel, Enrique, Mohammed, Mohammed, Young-Suk, Alyssa, Robyn, and Mohammad.  Unless they got rid of the reindeer altogether, because of their large carbon footprint, in which case they would be replaced with flying animated legumes.

Santa would no longer work out of the North Pole (too white up there!), but probably would have a base of operations at the United Nations, where U.N. peacekeepers would be kept busy making toys to keep their hands busy and out of trouble.

Santa would still give gifts to children, but they would be more calibrated.

1) Christmas gifts would be means-tested.  Children whose parents had incomes above a certain threshold would find their gifts redistributed to more worthy ones.

2) Girls would receive boy gifts, like toy soldiers and trains, and boys would receive girl gifts, like dolls, toy kitchens, and makeup kits.

3) Santa would not only know which children have been good or bad, but also know which children want to be a different gender.  For the boys, Santa would leave some female hormones in their stocking and testosterone for the girls.

4) Alternatively, Christmas might still take place but have its name changed to Eid Al Fitr and take place in June.  If reindeer are still employed, the female ones will have to be segregated and not allowed to drive.  Children not members of the Islamic faith would receive all manner of colorful gifts, all of them booby-trapped.  Santa's Sunni elves would be sent on a rampage to kill all the Shi'ite kids of the world, unless Santa's elves were Shi'ite, in which case it would be the reverse.

5) Or instead of #4, Santa might be turned into a global warming warrior, spreading not only cheer, but Luddite greetings to the children of the planet, encouraging them to replace their family cars with bicycles, their hamburgers with Brussels sprouts, and their electric heaters with warm thoughts.

If Santa Claus were just created today, how else do you think liberals would pervert him?

Ed Straker is the senior writer at Newsmachete.com.