A few days back, I wrote a blog post informing readers of all the new things now considered racist.  These included the obvious, like proper grammar, mathematics, green frogs, park benches, etc.

Hopefully, those white persons (this list applies only to whites) who have read it and who wish to become more politically correct will begin making grammatical errors as well as mistakes in addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division – not to mention calculus and trigonometry (something I personally abhor).  Likewise, if they find themselves at the park, steer away from park benches, and be sure to punch a frog – but only if it is a green frog!

Anyway, in the interest of equality, it is only fair that we issue a similar set of guidelines regarding the relationship between the genders.  After all, sexism is just as much of an evil reality in this patriarchy we find ourselves in as is racism.  Of course, if we were living in a Muslim country, such problems as racism and sexism would not exist.

This, then, is the new reality:

Effort in class is now sexist.   

Ski slopes are now sexist.    

"Spooning" in bed with a loved one is now sexist.

Sir Isaac Newton's Principia Matematica, which explains the motion of celestial bodies, is sexist because it is (obviously!) a rape manual.

E=MC2 is now a sexist equation.

The contents of the field of biology are sexist.  

Fluid physics is now sexist.  I am telling you, you just can't trust those physicists, not with all that mathematics being bandied about.

Using air conditioning is obviously sexist.

Vanderbilt University's own Luis A. Leyva published in the Journal for Research in Mathematics Education his condemnation of mathematics as sexist, not to mention not homosexual enough.

Now, it is important to obey the dictates of those enlightened feminists who have put together these earthshaking discoveries in order to achieve a more egalitarian society.  I, for one, confess to having exercised effort in class, thought about vacationing at the ski slopes, and used mathematics to balance my checkbook (a difficult task for me, regardless, as my overdrafts will verify).  But that's history for me from now on.  I won't even use air conditioning anymore.

Sorry.  I meant to write herstory.  The point is, now you, too, know what to avoid in order to eliminate all sexist impulses from your life.  Obey!  Remember that in order to have diversity, we must insist on total (and unquestioning) conformity to the proper ideology.

And keep away from mathematics!

Armando Simón is a retired college professor who lives in San Antonio and is the author of A Cuban from Kansas, The Only Red Star I Liked Was a Starfish, and The U.  His books can be obtained at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.