If Lieutenant Columbo were with us today with regard to this vexing FBI conundrum:

Well – I 'd really like to thank you for taking the time to talk with me, Mr. Comey...may I call you Jim?  The formalities are nice and all – with all due respect, but – well, here it is, Jim: this whole thing is just not making sense to me.

No, sir, it's just not.

You see, sir, I'm a simple man.  Look at me; the rumpled suit – and I still drive this really old car.  Speaking of driving – I still drive my wife crazy with these awful cigars.  They really are a bad habit, sir....oh, would you listen to me?  I'll tell you, I can't get out of my own way sometimes.

So here it is:

As you know, sir, a lot of people have questions about the way you seemed to resolve this whole situation with the 650,000 new emails that turned up on that Anthony Weiner's laptop.

So, Jim, another very smart person explained to me this whole thing with these speedy things called algorithms, but to tell you the truth, this technology stuff does tend to confuse me.  He said that 650,000 emails got whipped through in just nine days!  Wow. I just mean – wow.  The things they can do today, sir!  Is there an end in sight to it all?

So, Jim, I got to thinking: why didn't you use these fancy algorithms on the first 33,000 emails?  Instead of months – you could have gotten through those things in an afternoon, sir.

See?  These are the questions that keep a simple man like me up at night.

Jim – can I tell you my problem?  I think a little slow.  But the silver lining is that I then have to think a lot.  So the problem keeps rolling over and over in my head.

When I heard about this Peter Kadzik fellow being assigned by you to oversee the 650,000 email investigation, well, I thought to myself, "But Kadzik is pals with Podesta."

That just didn't make any sense to me.

That just seems to be a problem, Jim.  I thought it over...and over, and I just could not understand it, sir.

Well, I'll get out of your way.  You look really stressed and busy.  Very busy.  I'll think about this and get back to you soon.

Ahhh, Jim – before I leave, I just have one more question: weren't there other qualified people there at the FBI who could have led this investigation that had no connection to Podesta, Hillary, or anybody in the DNC or Mr. Obama's White House?  The kind of person you really needed, sir, was like the humorless gumshoe character played by Tom Hanks in that really great movie...what's the name?

Yes...Catch Me if You Can.  That's it!

Jim – you looked really uncomfortable when you said the name of that movie – Catch Me if You Can.  Are you okay, sir?  Your color is a little off.  Have some water, Jim.  Maybe it will help if you loosen your collar – you're sweating quite a bit there.  Is your heart okay?

Well, I really should go, but would you mind just one more question?

Ms. Clinton, Ms. Lynch, and Mr. Obama, they seem pretty nervous these days, too.  When I've seen Hillary on TV, she has been using that really harsh, annoying, and stressed out voice again – like that Howard Dean fellow did years ago when everything was falling apart for him, too.  And Mr. Obama appears the same way to me.  Maybe it's just gas – my wife tells me I get awfully cranky when I get bad gas.  Come to think of it – you look really, really uncomfortable yourself, Jim.  Maybe it's just the stress of this election.

May I be direct, sir?  Is Mr. Obama leaning on this situation in any way, sir?  I mean there are channels of all kinds that he could go through to get to you.  No?  It just seems that Mr. Obama has a lot to lose here and, well, that can put a lot of pressure on a man.

I've caused enough headaches for one day – but I would be remiss to not ask this last question: how did this whole thing just get cleaned up and put to bed so easily?  I mean – nine days?  Are you sure Mr. Obama didn't apply pressure here?  Something just doesn't seem right, sir.  I mean, does it seem right to you?

This is going to seem really awful, my memory is so bad, if I don't write things down, I'll tell you, they just drift off someplace...but, what was the name of that movie again?

Yes, thank you, sir, Catch Me if You Can – that's it.  I knew you would remember, sir, Catch Me if You Can.

Sir, even with your collar loosened, you are really breaking a serious sweat.  Should we call someone for help, sir?