Warning: This is not from The Onion.

Are you a devout Muslim worried about completing your Eid al-Adha animal sacrifice?  Are you tired of fighting the crowds to get that goat or lamb you’ve had your eye on since the hajj started?  Tired of cleaning up all the blood and guts while your family impatiently waits to prepare the meal?

Well, fear no more.  The Islamic Development Bank, based in the Red Sea city of Jeddah, takes all the worry out of your animal sacrifice needs by offering the electronic coupon animal sacrifice system.  Thanks to the bank’s new technology and SMS messaging, Muslims are now able to make their sacrifice without getting blood on their hands.  Pilgrims around the world now have the option of using computer-generated coupons to order an animal sacrifice on the holidays marking the end of the hajj.

C’mon, Lamb Chop, my iPhone says you’re next.

Rabie Saleh, a Sudanese in line at a Saudi post office at Mina's Jamarat Bridge, said, "If each pilgrim himself sacrificed a sheep, there wouldn't be enough space."  And postal worker Mansour al-Maliki explains that "as soon as someone buys from us, a request is sent to the Islamic Bank through our system and a sheep is slaughtered in an abattoir."  Mishal Qahtani, a Saudi pilgrim, is another satisfied customer: "They told me that I will soon get an SMS to tell me that a sheep has really been slaughtered."

Who can argue with the system’s efficiency ease of access – and all for only $123.00 per sacrifice?  Stay tuned for more innovative business ideas from the Mid-East.

John Smith is the pen name of a former U.S. intelligence officer.