Only one thing is certain in the aftermath of last weekend’s deplorable “Knee-Buckle-Gate” scene captured for the internet by a “random bystander.”  There will be a 99.9% reduction of the possibility of random bystanders in any future Clinton administration. 

The whole random bystander situation is simply getting out of hand.  Such random (and still legal at this point) behavior is unacceptable in a representative democracy of nearly 325 million citizens.  Why can’t the nominee of a major political party be protected from the awful embarrassment of random bystanders?  We can put a man on the moon and stop the rise of oceans, but we can’t protect high-level candidates from random bystanders with recording devices? 

When leaving the 9/11 memorial ceremony early, Hillary Clinton was able to dodge the press pool and avoid normal Secret Service protocol.  But then, probably because of the near-criminal lack of foresight by a low-level Clinton staffer, some random bystander was allowed close enough to commit a random act of journalism. 

The entire election narrative has changed.  This could make the “Joe the Plumber” incident look like piker politics if not managed properly. 

Hillary had famously (and with good cheer) opened a jar of pickles for Jimmy Kimmel.  Her health and upper body strength issues had supposedly been put to bed.  How could she open a jar of pickles (in good cheer) and still be unfit (medically speaking) to be president?  The issue was settled science.  There was a consensus in the general media.  But it has all come to naught.  All because of that random bystander!

Hillary’s fragility and poor health could have been covered up for at least a few more months.  “It’s a beautiful day in New York!”  Something may have leaked out (one hopes only figuratively) after Election Day and before Inauguration Day, but President-Elect Hillary would likely be on her way.  The long arc of progressive history would advance inexorably.

But then this random bystander was allowed (legally) to stand randomly by and record the entire knee-buckling, “supported by aides,” overheated, lost shoe, “thrown in like a side of beef” incident. 

Representative democracy is not supposed to work this way.  We are supposed to get our news only from media professionals.  If that random (non-credentialed) bystander had not been there, we (thankfully) would never have known about Hillary’s collapse and recent pneumonia diagnosis.  Something must be done to ensure that any future bystanders be kept well back from our Future President. 

Candidate entry and egress area must be private and appropriately cordoned off.  Buffer zones must be enforced.  Fencing, tenting, electrified netting, and security personnel must be in place to prevent any possible acts of random bystander journalism. 

The good of our democracy demands no less.  Our Dear Leader must be protected.  Rest assured – you can take this to the bank – there will be no safe space for random bystanders in a Hillary Clinton presidency.

/sarcasm off

I am a (sometime) writer living in Berkeley and a graduate of U.C. Berkeley Graduate School of Journalism.  My day job is working as a mild-mannered psych nurse (R.N.) for Contra Costa County.