If you're a woman reading this, chances are you're a bisexual or a lesbian.  Science says so – so it has to be true.  If you're a man reading this, I can finally explain why some seemingly promising first dates never worked out for you.  The answer, so we’re told, to both is simple: most women are bisexual or lesbians.

A study has found that most women who say they are straight are in fact aroused by videos of both naked men and naked women. The study, led by Dr Gerulf Rieger from the Department of Psychology at the University of Essex, involved 345 women whose responses to being shown videos of naked men and women were analysed.

The results, which were based on elements such as whether their pupils dilated in response to sexual stimuli, showed that 82% of the women tested were aroused by both sexes.

Dr Rieger said: "Even though the majority of women identify as straight, our research clearly demonstrates that when it comes to what turns them on, they are either bisexual or gay, but never straight."

Well, that explains a lot:

1) Why women who are friends like to tightly hug each other and look into each other's eyes when they meet.  Men don't do that.  I always thought there was something borderline erotic about that.

2) Why men call their friends "friends" but women call their friends "girlfriends."  It's that missing sexual ingredient.

3) Why the divorce rate is so high.  Women, it seems, need both chocolate and strawberry but are getting only chocolate.  Perhaps based on this study, Anthony Kennedy will find a constitutional right for three people to get married together: a man and two women.  The man can satisfy the women and the women, who are likely bisexual, can satisfy each other.

So if you take a woman at random, any woman – say Rachel Maddow, Rosie O'Donnell, or Hillary Clinton – statistically speaking, each is extremely likely to be bisexal or lesbian.  What a revealing study!

All kidding aside, this sham "study" reminds me of global warming "studies."  Simply because a pupil dilates does not mean that someone is sexually excited.  A pupil may dilate at the sight of a car wreck.  Or at the sight of men wearing Doberman Pinscher masks spanking each other.  That doesn't mean there's anything sexual involved.  It can be shock or surprise.

You can get a study to say almost anything.  Remember the study that said that women become lesbians if they don't have enough access to men?  The real purpose of this study is to inflate the number of lesbians and bisexuals to make it seem like a larger and more politically powerful group.

This article was written by Ed Straker, senior writer of NewsMachete.com, the conservative news site.