If a tortoise with a broken leg ran a race against a tortoise with a broken arm, which one would win?  That's the prediction dilemma we face in the race shaping up between Hillary Clinton and Joe "Lunchbox" Biden. (Joe calls himself "Lunchbox" to make him seem like an ordinary blue-collar worker, but I think the only lunchbox Biden has ever seen was probably a Bento one.)

With Bernie Sanders and now Biden entering the race, it looks as though Hillary will soon be facing the reunion cast from the octogenarian movie Cocoon.  But Biden is such damaged goods that he is already dropping hints that he would run for only one term, which is only one more term than Al Gore has promised to run for.

The question arises, then: who is more damaged goods between Hillary and Lunchbox Joe?

On the one hand, Hillary Clinton at 67 is a spring chicken compared to Lunchbox Joe, who is 72.  Hillary retains the outer vestiges of youth, with a lye for hair that Swedes would not call fair.  Lunchbox Joe, on the other hand, looks much older, his hair plugs having turned as white as a New Year's Eve snow.  I think, given her relative youth, that Hillary could have more of a lock on the 55- to 65-year-old demographic, while Joe could clean up with people in their 70s, 80s, and 90s.

Hillary, though, has certain ethical problems, and I am not talking about her marriage to an accused rapist, which seems to trouble no one in the media.  I am referring to all her shady dealings, the foremost of which is running the nation's foreign policy out of a private bathroom and holding our secrets so insecurely that even the cleaning lady, had she a good command of English, could have tapped into them.  Then there is the matter of her being secretary of state while simultaneously accepting donations to her foundation from foreign donors – foreign donors who, to Hillary's surprise, had business that intersected with a U.S. secretary of state.

Then there is the minor matter of Hillary's accomplishments.  Whenever she is asked about them, she pivots to talking about women and girls.  There is worry in her campaign that voters are starting to realize that this is kind of response is a non sequitur.

Lunchbox Joe, on the other hand, is a walking gaffe machine.

"You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. ... I'm not joking." –Joe Biden

"A successful dump!" –Joe Biden, explaining his whereabouts (dropping deadwood at the dump) to the reporters outside his home

"His mom lived in Long Island for ten years or so. God rest her soul. And – although, she's – wait – your mom's still – your mom's still alive. Your dad passed. God bless her soul." –Joe Biden, on the mother of Irish prime minister Brian Cowen, who is very much alive

"When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened.'" –Joe Biden, apparently unaware that FDR wasn't president when the stock market crashed in 1929 and that only experimental TV sets were in use at that time

So what do you think?  Who will give the weaker performance? 

This article was produced by NewsMachete.com, the conservative news site.