A liberal is someone who thinks the Third World's problems can be fixed by killing enough brown babies and who calls people who object to that "racists."

A liberal is someone who thinks tax increases on businesses are paid out of the secret stash of cash all businesses hide in their basements.

A liberal is someone who thinks prayer in school is obscene but who believes that schools should teach Nietzsche.

A liberal is someone who wants stricter gun control but has armed bodyguards.

A liberal is someone who wants guns out of honest citizens' hands but who also wants more lenient sentencing for criminals who use guns.

A liberal is someone who thinks that poverty excuses crime even though most poor people are honest.

A liberal is someone who believes that atheists should never have to hear a Christian speak but who demand that Christian businesses support gay weddings.

A liberal is someone who thinks that nuns who donate their entire lives to helping the poor should pay for abortions.

A liberal is someone who wants to be philanthropic with other people’s money.

A liberal is someone who thinks that the differences between men and women can be “fixed” with surgery.

A liberal is someone who is excited by our “low” unemployment rate even though the black unemployment rate is nearly twice as high.

A liberal is someone who thinks it's okay for liberal politicians to decide which laws to enforce but who condemns politicians who object to Supreme Court rulings.

A liberal is someone who thinks taxpayers should pay for promiscuous people's birth control and that death panels are a good way to save money.

A liberal is someone who condemns Nixon for erasing 18 minutes of a tape recording but thinks Hillary was smart to erase tens of thousands of e-mails.

A liberal is someone who has no children and spends all his money on himself who attacks big families whose children will fund the liberal’s Social Security payments.

A liberal is someone who thinks the economy is great because the stock market is up but who professes to hate the “rich.”

A liberal is someone who calls Christians who don't believe in evolution stupid because they reject science but who claims that the unborn aren't human.

A liberal is someone who is horrified that anyone would abort an unborn child because that child is gay but quite comfortable with aborting an unborn child who might be mentally challenged.

A liberal is someone who says marriage isn’t about kids but who decries the “feminization” of poverty.

A liberal is someone who attacks America for its “interventionism” and is silent about China’s claims to the South China Sea.

A liberal is someone who condemns Israel, which lets Arabs vote, and extols Hamas, which calls for genocide against Jews.

A liberal is someone who hates the Confederate flag but who has no problem with the hammer and sickle.