Hillary Clinton has finally figured out a compelling reason why people should elect her president: she took a look inside the waistband of her black pantsuit and discovered, much to her surprise, that she's a woman!

Mrs. Clinton’s campaign message... will involve frequent references to being a mother and grandmother and to how her family has inspired her to embrace policies that she believes would help middle-class families.

As one Democrat close to her put it, voters have learned that she is tough; now she can also present herself as a sensitive candidate capable of nurturing the nation at a difficult time.

Mrs. Clinton is going to nurture the nation?  I have to ask: what is the political equivalent of breastfeeding?  Welfare?  The earned income tax credit?  Milk subsidies?

Ever since the birth of Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky, in September, Mrs. Clinton has infused her public comments with references to being a new grandmother. Proudly acknowledging her “grandmother glow,” Mrs. Clinton linked the weeks-old girl born to her daughter, Chelsea, to a theme about economic policies[.]

I want to hear more about this.  I want to hear what the Republican nominee has to say about taxes, border security, and the budget, and I want to hear more about what Mrs. Clinton has to say about her feelings about being a mother to a female child, and a grandmother to a female grandchild, and whether men were involved at any of these stages.  Only after hearing both sides can I decide who would make a better president.

Indeed, the people in Mrs. Clinton’s orbit have come to believe that gender is far more an advantage to her this time around, in part from seeing the degree to which some Republicans have hurt themselves in recent elections on subjects like rape.

I agree.  Every time a Republican comes out in favor of rape, I find myself feeling more and more alienated from the Republican Party.  I wish Lindsey Graham, John McCain, and Mitch McConnell would find something else to talk about.  Don't you?

Once she is officially a candidate, Mrs. Clinton is unlikely to play into Republican caricatures of her as a divisive feminist warrior by highlighting her global advocacy for women and girls.

This is very true. Mrs. Clinton is very much against the forced marriage of little girls, and the rapes, beheadings, and executions of women abroad, and if anyone other than radical Muslim groups start to do these things, I expect she will be the first to speak out against it.

If Mrs. Clinton wants us to vote for her because she's a woman, that's nice, but it's not enough. She has to show us not that she's merely a woman, but that she's feminine.  If she's selling us on the woman angle, then, as with the Miss America Pageant, we need to see her in a bathing suit.

I also want to see her as only Bill sees her, when she comes home and rushes to take off her black pants suit and glams up for a night out on the town with him.

I want to know all her girly views – her recommendations for Martha Stewart-style dinner table decorations, how she knits her potholders, her favorite color lipstick, what kind of green leafy diet she recommends, her favorite kind of late-term abortion, etc.  I also want to know affirmatively that when her husband Bill was fooling around with Monica, et.al., Hillary was the one who was empowered, from the "50 Shades of Grey" feminist perspective, because she was the one who permitted it.

And then, because I know what it's like to elect Hillary as a woman, I also need to know what it's like to elect a Republican as a man.  If Jeb Bush is the nominee, I think he needs to tell us what it will be like to have a man as president.  What does it feel like wearing an athlete supporter?  What is it like having hairy legs?  After his long years out of office, is there any link between political impotence and the other kind?  If it's important to think about voting for Hillary as a woman, these are the equivalent things we need to think about when it comes to voting for Jeb as a man.

You see the irony here, of course.  By telling people to vote for her because she's a woman, Mrs. Clinton is belittling the cause of women everywhere, most of whom compete on merit and didn't get ahead because "they are mother and grandmother."  But because of an absence of a successful record to run on, Mrs. Clinton is left with little more than the "Victoria's Secret strategy."

Pedro Gonzales is the editor of Newsmachete.com, the conservative news site.  Did you know that Hillary Clinton recently investigated herself and made some shocking discoveries?