The LGTB community is incessantly demanding that they not be discriminated against based on their sexual preference and/or identity, and then, European LGTB types go and designate an old-age home for gays and lesbians due to open in 2015, and burial grounds expressly for lesbians only. 

For gramps and granny who, out of fear of rejection, have hidden their sexuality throughout their lives, Spain has converted an old hotel in Madrid into a hostel for elderly homosexuals. Residents may not be able to stand up straight enough to hang their gay pride t-shirt in the closet, but at least the old codgers can feel free to come out of the closet, with or without that t-shirt on.

Boti García, president of Spain's LGTB Federation, said “When people think of LGTB people, they think of young people. There's a tendency, as there is in society as a whole, to leave out the elderly” -- ergo, the need for an old-homosexuals home, a residence where people with false teeth, closets full of Depends, and doddering thought processes can freely express long-suppressed passions and fiery sexuality.

Federico Armenteros of 26 December Foundation, a Spanish organization for the LGTB society, said that anyone is welcome regardless of sexual preference. “We're not going to ask you who you sleep with when you apply,” he said, “Anyone can come, the only thing to bear in mind is that [the home] specializes in elderly LGTBs.” 

Armenteros did not elaborate upon what ‘specializing in elderly LGTBs’ actually means. Moreover, how many elderly gay and lesbian people have been turned away from senior housing for participating in the Sexy Senior Citizen portion of the gay pride parade?

Armenteros claims old people are not tolerant of gays and lesbians, and as result, in old age many homosexuals retreat back into the closet for safekeeping, especially if living in a home, where apparently some residents are more interested in sexual escapades than they are in being on time for dinner or winning an extra dessert at Bingo.

According to Mr. Armenteros, LGTBs “don’t have children and grandchildren they can talk about and often they conceal their sexual orientation to avoid rejection.” Conceal it from whom, those who can’t even remember their own names, let alone that they have grandchildren?

In addition to the old-age home, 26 December is also opening a civic center for the LGTB community in the Lavapiés neighborhood, which will offer gay/lesbian/LGTB painting classes, physiotherapy, and gym, among other gay-ish activities.

Whether gay or straight, “Neither the center nor the home will be places to park old people,” said Armenteros, “We want elderly people to feel useful, that they have a good time and feel at home.”  

After the gays and lesbians “have a good time and feel at home” with likeminded tenants and it’s time to depart the LGTB old-age home for that big asexual party in the sky, for those lesbians who would feel uncomfortable having their coffin stacked atop some sweaty, macho guy, there’s now a lesbian-only two-century-old cemetery opening in Berlin, Germany.

According to Dr. Astrid Osterlund, a spokeswoman for the Safia association, a national group established to support ageing lesbians, in the Lutheran Georgen Parochial cemetery, established in 1814 and located in central Berlin, 80 lesbians can vie to take a dirt nap as a community.  Why lesbians need their own cemetery is almost as perplexing as dementia-addled gay people needing specially designated living quarters.

Framed by oak, birch and yew trees, the burial ground, formerly overrun with weeds and strewn with toppled headstones, is a 400 square-meter (4,300 square-feet) area that, thanks to future residents, now has winding sand paths, space for cremation urns, and burial plots.  According to Safia, the “her-storic” burial ground establishes a space where, as Osterlund says, “life and death connect, distinctive forms of cemetery culture can develop and where the lesbian community can live together in the afterlife.” 

“Her-storic”…cemetery culture…the lesbian community living together in the afterlife?  So much for “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Clearly, unlike Christianity, Lesbianism adheres to far different life-after-death tenets.

Proving how clueless the proprietors of the Lutheran cemetery are, in an effort to “revitalize its cemetery grounds by cooperating with other groups,” cemetery spokesperson Volker Jastrzembski said, “We are also in an ongoing discussion with Muslim groups to see whether they can have their own plots on our cemeteries.”

Now there’s the perfect way to get Muslims to revitalize a deteriorating graveyard: Propose that if they agree to clean, landscape, and maintain the gravesites they can have free plots for 30 years.  The kicker is they’ll have to be buried in close proximity to 80 dead lesbians.

Either way, the Lesbian and Gay Association of Berlin welcomed the opening of the segregated cemetery. Spokesman Joerg Steinert feels the bone yard “increases the diversity of opportunities and is a nice opportunity for those lesbian women who want to be buried among other lesbians.”

So there you have it -- a bunch of crinkly deaf daughters of Bilitis and crotchety old queers with false teeth, congestive heart failure, senile dementia, and parts that haven’t worked in years, fearlessly living out their sexuality in Spain among likeminded libidos.  And at least for the ladies, if they die whilst living the dream, over in Germany there is a “diversity of [post-mortem] opportunities,” one of which is to be buried with 79 other dearly-departed lesbians.

Jeannie also hosts a blog at www.jeannie-ology.com