Never let it be said that the United Nations -- no matter how subversive their motives, fragile their data, or archly tendentious their methods -- gives up easily.

The UK Daily Mail writes that a UN report, to be released today, reveals the coming end of ski resorts, Caribbean beaches, and pretty much everything in between.  Not to mention falling crop yields.  Oh, and civil and international wars.  (See story here.)  And -- whether owing to its dry sense of humor , a wry tongue-in-cheek twitting, or sincere buy-in -- the Mail seasons its story with appropriately suggestive photos:  of unwontedly sweating Londoners; the North Pole from space in highly-alarming, false-color red; and yes, even the obligatory, clichéd polar bear, padding wistfully on his tiny ice flow, floating out to sea, away from his erstwhile frozen world.  All because of you.

The article says that, "civil wars and conflict between nations," are coming, according to the report's authors.  And guess what else:  "without immediate action to cut greenhouse gases the world faces an uncertain future."  Goodness, if it weren't for "anthropogenic climate change," who would ever imagine that "conflict," and an "uncertain future" were in store for us, given today's otherwise halcyon world?  Maybe these seers can clean up by moonlighting as hedge fund managers.  Of earth-friendly funds, naturally.

All this unless, of course, we take "immediate action."  Because global warming = global warring.  But the story doesn't tip the UN's hand about how we can save the world.  For those strictures, we presumably must await and digest the UN report itself.

Yet, not content to be upstaged by the UN, the world traveler now and then quartered in and known as the "White House" obligingly announced last Friday that it "looks to regulate cow flatulence as part of climate agenda," and is "targeting the dairy industry to reduce methane emissions in their operations."

"The White House has proposed cutting methane emissions from the dairy industry by 25 percent by 2020. Although U.S. agriculture only accounts for about 9 percent of the country’s greenhouse gas emissions, according to the Environmental Protection Agency, it makes up a sizeable portion of methane emissions -- which is a very potent greenhouse gas.

"Some of these methane emissions come from cow flatulence, exhaling and belching -- other livestock animals release methane as well…

"It’s not just the dairy industry that the Obama administration is clamping down on. The White House is looking to regulate methane emissions across the economy from agriculture to oil and gas operations -- all this despite methane emissions falling 11 percent since 1990.  (Story from the Daily Caller here, and the official gubmint "action plan" here.)

Notice how "oil and gas" get snuck into an announcement about cows' "dairy air."  Well, never let a good crisis… Of course, fewer bovine flatuses must mean fewer bovines, and just when you thought it might be marginally PC to order the salisbury steak again.  Forget that.  One way or another, you're going to learn to love that fast-food veggiekaleburger. And -- your SUV having long been outlawed -- needing to ride your skateboard to go get it.

But that's a good thing.  Because then, -- thank you, UN and Mr. White House, thank you -- there'll finally be no more famines, conflicts, or wars.

Richard Kantro may be reached at rk4at@hotmail.com