Newfound understanding as to why America is in the dire straits it's in was gained when Speaker of the House John Boehner ('Beener,' 'Bonner,' 'Boner') Boehner (pronounced BAY-ner) finally appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

The guy with the perpetual cottonmouth took to Jay's couch to spout off on people like Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, and Vladimir Putin.  But the real revelations came when Boehner explained why he refuses to do anything to counterbalance Obama!

It started when Jay Leno leaned in and asked the Speaker, "Ever think of running for president?"

"No!" Boehner shot back.

Then came the big reveal, the peek into what Barack Obama has on Mr. Boehner that keeps John on the president's good side.

Boehner said this: "Listen, I like to play golf, I like to cut my own grass, I do drink red wine, I smoke cigarettes--and I'm not giving that up to be president of the United States."

Whoa Nellie!  You mean that's all it takes to get 64-year-old Boehner to sell out America to tyranny - a golf cart, a riding mower, a case of Ripple, and a few cartons of Marlboros?

Boehner also explained that his "orange" tan was simply the result of spending time outdoors. Bike-riding Boehner, one of 12 children, said, "My mother's dark-complected so I'm a little dark. No tanning beds. No spray or anything. Not ever! Not once ever!" 

Sorry John, we don't buy it.  You either eat too many carrots, overdose on beta carotene, or you're dipping into the Coppertone, which means Obama the dealer may be funneling a membership to a tanning salon your way.

When Jay asked Boehner if he'd ever met Putin, "No!" he barked back, "And I don't want to meet him. I think he's a thug, and I think he's treated his neighbors in a disrespectful way and, frankly, I think the president ought to stand up to him." 

Huh?  Putin's a thug and the president should stand up to him? 

The president is a thug too, John.  However, if the guy in the mom jeans attempted to stand up to Putin (who swims in the freezing Siberian Lake Baikal), the Russian president would say "Boo" and make him cry like a little girl.  As for Putin's neighbors, Obama's the one who said "Nyet" to missile defense in Poland.

Boehner called indicted whistleblower Edward Snowden "a traitor to the country," but didn't think to mention Benghazi, Fast & Furious, or the IRS. 

On the NSA spying scandal, Boehner matter-of-factly advised, "Let's just get over it. It's been going on for thousands of years," which means the last bottle of red wine Obama sent over must have been a fine vintage indeed.

As for the anti-Constitutional ACA fiasco, John Boehner reminded America, "It's the law!"

Asked about the government shutdown over defunding Obamacare, the Speaker admitted that it was "tactically not the right way to do it."  On the tactic-driven Tea Party members of Congress and the GOP infighting, "it's bad," he said.

Mr. Boehner explained that he had accepted Leno's invitation because in two weeks Jimmy Fallon takes over, and "I thought I ought to get here before it's too late," to which Jay replied, "I was gonna say the same thing for you!"

Speaking of "too late," maybe the Speaker should pay more attention to getting done what needs to be done in Washington DC "before it's too late," and less time golfing and scooting around the lawn on the John Deere with a cig dangling from his lips, drinking red wine out of a red plastic cup.

The Speaker revealed a lot about himself when he said, "you learn that a leader without followers is simply a man taking a walk." Here's a suggestion from a disappointed group of Americans who depended on you to represent our concerns: Walk on, Mr. Speaker, walk on!

Jeannie hosts a blog at www.jeannie-ology.com