As the Democratic Party sideshow describing itself as Occupy (Your Town Here) pitifully unwinds in a torrent of whiny sniveling, we are presented with a clear picture of this gaggle of unwashed freaks from the Land of Misfit Boys. It seems the group once so tightly focused around a set of demands amounting to a free pass in life is just a bunch of basement-dwelling losers unable to fend for themselves after as much as 20 years of college. They figure that living with Mom and Dad at 40 is hard enough on one's sex life without complicating matters by requiring the repayment of student loans.

Still led by Barack Obama, the Occupied Piper, whose class-warfare riffs and redistributive reparations agenda started this whole mess, the denizens of Occupyville have revealed their true identities, with each sub-group marked by a particular set of behaviors and afflictions. Regardless of their geographic locale, there are consistent traits that come to the surface in every Occupy village. Let's examine those most in need of address and give them names more suited to their character.

Occupy Bellevue: Despite a raft of medical firsts, including the first U.S. Maternity ward (1799) and the world's first cardiopulmonary laboratory (1940), New York's Bellevue Hospital is perhaps best known for opening one of the first facilities for the insane in 1879. Many of the occupiers observed in the last 60 days could use a stint there and appear as mentally unstable as Charlie Sheen with a suitcase full of meth and a six-pack of hookers in tow. Aberrant is a mild description of these wayward souls. Many of them appear to be headed for a prolonged stint in one of our nervous hospitals.

Occupy the Infirmary: We might add careless, accident prone and subject-to-disease to our description of those who claim to represent the 99 per cent. One thing's for sure, they didn't get the number from the wrapper on an Ivory soap bar. With a penchant for liquor and drugs and an apparent aversion to personal hygiene, the Occupunks seem to be developing infectious and communicable diseases at an alarming rate. Respiratory diseases, including "Zucotti Lung" abound, and Occupy Atlanta has seen an outbreak of tuberculosis. Though these crusty-eyed liberals believe they are capable of creating a utopia, if left to their own devices, it seems likely the return of the bubonic plaque will result. They are already lousy with fleas, ringworm and lice. Now the whiny brats are complaining about a little pepper spray. I believe Abbie Hoffman and Bobby Seale used it as cologne. From their pitiful howls, you would have thought the poor babies had been napalmed.

Occupy the Morgue: Not only is the rate of disease off the charts for the Occupitiful, the morphology for such a young demographic is incredible as well. Keep in mind these are mostly young people, despite the aging hippies amongst them who seem more like Grateful Dead fanatics, wandering continuously in search of a protest, hoping somehow to get miracled. A dead body was found at Occupy Salt Lake, a suicide at Occupy Vermont, a fatal shooting at Occupy Atlanta and a drug overdose at Occupy Vancouver. Occupying is clearly not healthy for cement-heads and other living creatures.

Occupy Berkeley: Occupy Berkeley? Isn't that a bit redundant? The left has been occupying Berkeley since Scott Freakin' MacKenzie crooned "Are You Going to San Francisco?" back in 1967. The local government is run by a coalition of Marxists and Code Pinkos and its Mayor touts the city's national recognition as an "environmental, green and solar city." Berkeley is already a sanctuary city, which isn't surprising since California is effectively a sanctuary state. They've run off most of the military recruiters and Republicans so we have to wonder: Is The Man really still keeping you down in Berkeley?

Occupy the Pharmacy: Just like the original protestors in the 60's, the real motivation driving the Occupunks is the chance to score. Reports of Occupy Wall Street having its own set of drug lords started back in October. Occupy Boston dissipated after a flurry of drug busts, and the organizers of Occupy Oakland complain that the zoned out hipsters keep taking over the microphones. Perhaps the 99% figure represents the number of Occupotheads in favor of legalizing marijuana.

Occupy My Most Personal Spaces: Yes, sexual assault has become a problem in the Occumunity. The undisciplined gropal villages have tried to police their communities themselves, running off flashers and gropers and those inclined to masturbate in public. Perhaps for these amoral filthy mopes, even defecating in public is a sex act of some sort. These creeps are giving squatter's rights a whole new meaning. In any case, several rapes were reported in Zuccoti Park, and a registered sex offender was arrested for having sex with a teenage runaway in Dallas. Another Occupier was arrested for rape in Philadelphia. The 99% has resorted to keeping the sexual assaults secret and "handling it ourselves." Apparently keeping good public relations is more important than protecting the vulnerable amongst them from harm.

Yes, it's rapists and druggies and corpses. Oh my! Thank God that an unlimited supply of cash from the labor unions isn't enough to keep the pampered Occuweenies tented up now that winter is approaching. That won't stop L'il Barry, the Occupied Piper, from piping up in support of these risible losers. Why just other day, B.O. was lauding the Occupants and linking their protests to his imaginary jobs bill when one of their tubby minions passed him a love note. I find it delightful that Obama and the Democrats have chosen to link themselves to this preposterous movement. Now even the left's albatross has an albatross of his own.

Ralph Alter is a regular contributor to American Thinker. Follow his new Twitter account at RalphAlter.