A really bad case of the munchies

By Phil Boehmke

The new year is off to a bizarre start. Birds are falling out of the sky, fish are dying en mass, Nancy Pelosi has blamed George W. Bush for Democratic party losses last November, Obama has been in Washington for four consecutive days and in New Port Richey (NPR), Florida an 18 year-old robbery suspect tried to eat the back seat of a police car.

According to the Tampa Tribune, Jesse Ray Stewart, an NPR resident, was breaking into cars in Park Lake Estates when he was witnessed inside one of his victim’s vehicles and frightened away. When the police arrived on the scene Stewart was seen running and acting erratically. Palsco County Sheriff’s Deputy Mark Mitchell noted in his report that the suspect “was slurring his speech and had difficulty with his balance,” adding that Stewart “was yelling, drooling and being uncooperative.”

After Deputy Mitchell arrested Stewart and put him in the squad car for the trip to the Land O’ Lakes Jail, the prisoner began flailing violently in the back seat, slamming his head into the window and seats. Mitchell pulled over and called for backup to help secure the prisoner and that’s when things got really interesting.

Having worked up quite an appetite while running and then struggling in the back seat of the deputy‘s vehicle, Stewart got a really bad case of the munchies and he began to eat the squad car. The ravenous suspect chewed away at the upholstery and before he was restrained he had managed to eat his way down to the stuffing. Deputy Mitchell estimated that Stewart’s back seat snack had caused $300 in damage.

After he was finally taken to Land O’ Lakes Jail, Stewart was changed with auto burglary, resisting arrest and criminal mischief. A search of the suspect’s clothes revealed a pink cell phone which had been stolen from one of the vehicles Stewart had burglarized that evening, a pocket knife and 42 cents in change. Bail has been set at $10,300.

January 8, 2010

paboehmke@yahoo.com