PrintNovember 11, 2010
Tales of 57 States: The Deficit Wizards Speak
Now it came to pass that while His Obamaness was touring the Far East with his entourage of many man and maidservants, including those who attended him from among the corpse {not a typo}of the White Palace Town Criers, a nearly important event happened back in the 57 States.
The insignificant thing came to pass when those who had been appointed by the ruling class to be Deficit Wizards, and asked to apply their knowledge of coin, commerce and Congress to the Realm's deficit problem, finally spoke to the serfs and peasants.
Earlier, they had been summoned to the capital because four of every ten sheep that the ruling class sacrificed each year to the gods of assorted causes were borrowed from those in faraway lands, including the Land of the Panda, and Sushiland. As this borrowing went on year-after-year, even small children, just learning to speak, were heard to say, "This debt is unsustainable!" A mouthful for a small one who had just mastered the word "potty." Even toddlers knew the debt would be part of their inheritance. Yet, the spending continued.
While His Obamaness was, conveniently for Hisownself, absent the Realm, the Deficit Wizards, led by Alan "The Entertainer" Simpson (no kin to a prominent clan called The Simpsons) and Erskine "The Academic" Bowles, delivered their report to those among the Town Criers who had not been invited to attend to His Obamaness on his journey to the Far East.
Alan the Entertainer, a tall yellow-tusked elder bull of the Elephant Clan, had once been a member of the Senate representing the land where the buffalo roamed. Or used to, anyway. He was known for his colorful faux frank language. For example, he said that the actions the Deficit Wizards were recommending were like "cuddling a bear cub in the presence of the she bear," or, like "talking a bull elk out its winter coat," or, like "smearing peanut butter on your land, sticking it into a wolverine den, and tweaking the creature's nose." Alan the Entertainer had an endless supply of witticisms he learned as a young man while on probation for shooting mailboxes.
Erskine the Academic had once been a principle aide to a former Donkey Clan POTUS called Slick Willy because of the duplicitous lucidity and amorous dexterity of his tongue, and other appendages. The Academic, who played the straight man to The Entertainer, heralded from an academy of moderately higher learning in the state adjoining South Carolina to the north.
The Deficit Wizards said that, to reduce the Realm's debt, the people should pay more taxes to the regime and receive fewer gifts. All these things, the Wizards said, would erase most, but not all, of the deficit incurred by the His Obamaness' regime during his reign as POTUS.
Upon hearing the Wizards speak, the people of the Realm looked at each other and, in the spirit of Alan the Entertainer, said, "I guess these clowns think this is our first rodeo." Others asked, "So do we look like turnips?" And, a few even said, "These two give real wizards a bad name!"
So it was that the wisdom offered by the Deficit Wizards was not well-received by the people of Realm.
Wizard Alan the Entertainer was heard to say, "I feel a little like the girl who got all dressed up and went to the prom alone, and, when the music started playin', no one would dance with her except the nerdy guy." Eyes glanced toward The Academic to see if he had taken offense.
Wizard Erskine the Academic said, "I have a faculty meeting to attend. Keep me posted."
Alan responded, "He's goin' home with more than tar on his heel." And smiled, like a twelve-point white tail buck that caught a glimpse of the sun reflecting off a distant scope concealed by a ghillie suit, and thought ‘Shoulda stayed home on the range'."
