A Windsor by Any Other Name

By Henry Percy

... would be as dumb. Yes, Prince Charles, most famous scion of the House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg, has put his bespoke shoe in it again.

When last the madcap princeling made the news, we learned that "The Prince of Wales says he believes he has been placed on Earth as future King ‘for a purpose' - to save the world." Whoa, talk about the White Man's Burden. That was the interview where the Prince unburdened himself of this aperçu: "The way nature presents itself -- we've turned it into merely a mechanical process." Forsooth, Your Royal Highness! "Merely a mechanical process"? Wouldst thou be referring to the view from the Rolls as thou art driven about thy estates?

Now His Royal Highness has launched the Start Campaign, 20 small steps whereby the common folk can save the planet from global warming. Among the 20 are saving old paint tins and "snubbing the tub," eschewing baths for 5-minute showers (though Daddy takes baths, and a spokesman will not say whether Prince Charles does as well). We are told that "the Prince's Jaguar, Audi and Range Rover cars run on biodiesel made from used cooking oil, while his 40-year-old Aston Martin uses bioethanol made entirely from wine." Wine into fuel--almost a biblical touch, Sir! But surely raising grapes, turning them to wine, and distilling them into fuel consumes way more labor and energy than just pumping hydrocarbons from the North Sea? Well, well, if your intentions are pure ...

According to a spokesman, ‘The Prince of Wales does the vast majority of the things on the list.' His other ideas for small steps to save the planet include ‘loving your leftovers' [and] holidaying closer to home." So does "the vast majority" of things His Royal Highness does include chowing down on leftovers? Probably serves them to guests of state as well? Giggle. Surely the spokesman misspoke, intending to say, "The Prince of Wales has the vast majority of things on the list done by others."

The "40-year-old Aston Martin" is a nice touch, conjures up images of an old wreck covered with honeysuckle behind the shed. Well, I have a proposition, Sir: If you want to get into something newer, I've got a Ford sedan, 30 years more recent than the Aston-Martin. What say we swap, straight up? Heck, I'll even convert it to run on ethanol. And I promise I'll give it only 5-minute showers. Deal?

Henry Percy is the nom de guerre for a technical writer living in Arizona. He may be reached at saler.50d@gmail.com.