What Dan Rather Should Have Said (40 Safe Alternatives)

By Big Fur Hat

In an effort to spare Dan Rather further imbroglios when discussing President Obama's pathologically inadequate salesmanship skills, the commenting community at iowntheworld.com held an emergency brainstorming session which lasted throughout the night. Their input was boiled down to 40 safe alternatives to watermelon, with its apparent connotations to racist stereotypes (Who knew -- apparently Dan Rather didn't)

In the future, it is recommended that Mr Rather says something along the lines of

"Listen, he's a nice person, he's very articulate, this is what is going to be used against him. But he couldn't sell

- stretch pants to Rosie O'Donell

- clean bed sheets to Robert Byrd

- Maple Syrup to IHOP

- a child prostitution scheme to an ACORN representative

- a ratings boost to Keith Olbermann

- Poligrip to a woman wearing her sister's dentures

- tasteless Sarah Palin jokes to Dave Letterman

- beer at a NASCAR rally

- a bottle of Ripple to Fred Sanford

- a massive government entitlement to a Democratic supermajority

- pacifism and cowardice to the French

- military secrets to the New York Times

- a heat wave to Al Gore

- a snow shovel in DC

- Chicago as a site for the Olympics to the IOC

- an interest free mortgage from Country Wide to Chris Dodd

- a foolproof tax avoidance scheme to Charlie Rangel

- a crap sandwich to a dung beetle

- a rotting, putrified carcass to a vulture

- Seventy two virgins to a jihadi

- Viagra to Hugh Hefner

- a funny joke to Bill Maher or Kathy Griffin

- an Oscar to James Cameron

- beer and bratwurst at Oktoberfest

- a pint of Guinness to an Irishman

- a meat tenderizer to the Donner Party

- a face lift to Helen Thomas

- Nancy Pelosi to a wax museum

- a chance in Hell to a snowball

- an asbestos suit to Ted Kennedy

- a statue of himself to Indonesia

- socialism to Sean Penn

- a scapegoat to an Arab

- a reactionary, retrograde idea to a Muslim

- morphine to a surgical ward

- a flu shot during a swine flu pandemic

- blue to a Smurf

- a steaming pile of dog crap to a swarm of flies

- free orgy tickets to a Roman

- rape and pillage licenses to a Viking

- an all you can eat dinner at the Tropicana Hotel to Michael Moore

As you can see, Mr Rather, there are no racial implications in any of these examples. Use one of these examples and Chris Matthews won't be obliged to delete what you say from his website. If you would like our assistance on any other matter -- anything at all -- feel free to contact us at iowntheworld.com