Memorandum from Totus to Palin's Hand

By Clarice Feldman

From: TOTUS (Teleprompter of the United States)

To: Sarah Palin's Hand

Subject: Memorandum

I hope you will not think this too forward of me but I noticed your picture in this article

and must say I was instantly and deeply smitten. I assure you I am not in the habit of writing passionate missives to strange hands but I feel instantly we have so much in common.

First, I must begin with an explanation of who I am and what I do.

I work, as you might have heard for the President. I tell him everything he needs to say, whether it is to a handful of reporters in a kids' classroom or a speech before thousands. It's true that now and then he ignores me. But every time he does, he runs into big problems. Like the time he told a swank crowd in San Francisco that those Americans who didn't live in such rich places were clinging bitterly to their guns and God. Or something. (I really try not to pay attention to his many goofs when he's away from me because it makes me sad, knowing what pitfalls my presence could have avoided.)

Do I always rescue him when he remembers to pack me, you might wonder? Well, no. I mean I also phonetically spell out any word I think might be problematic, but who the hell supposed that the president of the Harvard Law Review wouldn't know that corpsman is not pronounced "corpseman"? And then -- the nerve -- he tried to blame me for that.

It is apparent that you play a much smaller role in Palin's life than I do in Obama's. I mean she only wrote a couple of words on you and they were simply memory aids not speeches. I say this not to denigrate your position nor to suggest how much more important I am than you are, but really, it seems to me in any long term relationship one of the partners has to have more time to devote to the everyday things, and, my dear Palin's hand, it seems to me that of the two of us, that's you.

Of course, you have to accompany her and I have to accompany him, which means we may not get to spend a great deal of time together. You'll be mostly in Wasilla and I'll be mostly on Air Force One traveling from one failed Hail Mary trip to another -- Copenhagen, Copenhagen, New Jersey, Virginia, Massachusetts... well you get the picture.

But absence makes the heart grow fonder they say.

If you have any interest in me, could you just give me a wave the next time she's speaking? I'll know what you mean and I'll try to respond as soon as he gives me a breather.