New Taxes to Fund National Healthcare (satire)

By Kyle-Anne Shiver and Lee Cary

Former Congressman Charlie Rangel announced several Revenue Enhancement Initiatives to help fund national healthcare.

In the wake of recent passage of the Free Health Care for All Bill, the administration’s new Tax Czar, Charlie Rangel, introduced several new taxes, called Revenue Enhancement Initiatives (REI’s) that will, according to Czar Rangel, go far toward financing national health care.

In a press conference hosted by the White House, Rangel said,

“Part of President Obama’s commitment to fiscal responsibility and strict enforcement of Pay-go is to establish several new REI’s to fund some of the estimated $2.5 trillion cost of the new program.”

Rangel then introduced several of the administration czars who explained several of the new REI’s for which they’ll be responsible.

Border Czar Alan Bersin announced a new Border Transit Tax (BTT) whereby all U.S. citizens traveling to foreign countries will be required to pay a 100% tax on anything they purchase in foreign countries and bring back into the U.S. Also, travelers will be required to pay a 30% surcharge on all travel expenses beginning from when they leave their homes.

Former major league baseball star Barry Bonds, the new Drug Czar, stated that, beginning in 30 days, a 25% federal tax will be added to over-the-counter drugstore items, including pain relievers and condoms.

Michael Moore, the administration’s new Food Czar, announced a Federal Food Tax on all high-carb foods purchased from grocery stores as well as from fast-food restaurants. (This is a tax from which Mr. Moore is exempted by name in the enabling legislation.)

White House Science Czar John Holdren indicated that all outdoor grills will be required to be licensed at an annual fee of $150. Daily operation permits costing between $50 and $150, depending on the size of the grill, will be required for grilling, except on President’s Day. No permit will be needed then. Also, those living in arid areas of the Western U.S. who collect rain water in cisterns will be required to pay a fee per gallon that represents the average of all water department fees in the state in which they live.

Woody Allen, who recently replaced David Letterman as the Child Welfare Czar, rolled out his proposal to impose a 85% income tax surcharge on all female celebrities less than 18 years old.

Rangel closed the press conference by introducing Vice President Joe Biden as the new Super Czar. Biden has been tabbed by President Obama to supervise all 43 administration czars. Biden spoke briefly saying,

“Some in the media have criticized the Obama-Biden administration for borrowing a word, ‘czar,’ from a 19th Century Italian concept used when Queen Victoria called several of her prime ministers ‘Czars.’ But look, let me be clear about this, all it really illustrates is that our administration is willing to reach out and borrow the best ideas of the past, as well as from the future, to give Americans the government they voted for.”

Following the event, the czars who were present posed for this group photo:

family photo