Nancy in Wonderland

By Kyle-Anne Shiver and Lee Cary

Nancy Pelosi takes us through the looking glass by defining a reduced birth rate as an economic stimulus.

If I still had his phone number, I'd call a man I knew once who worked for the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers letting contracts for the construction of the Superconducting Super Collider (SSC) in Texas. It was cancelled back in 1993 after several billions of dollars were spent on a project that kept ballooning in cost.

One day I asked him about his work. He said he was letting contracts to companies to fill in that portion of the 54 miles of underground tunnel that had been completed. "At the same time," he said, "I'm still letting contracts to other contractors to keep digging."

That made sense to him so I think he could help me with Nancy in Wonderland. At least he didn't appear horribly distorted by acute cognitive dissonance.

So, the Speaker of the House of Representatives of the United States of America had this exchange with George Stephanopoulous during last Sunday's ABC This Week program.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Hundreds of millions of dollars to expand family planning services. How is that stimulus?

PELOSI: Well, the family planning services reduce cost. They reduce cost. The states are in terrible fiscal budget crises now and part of what we do for children's health, education and some of those elements are to help the states meet their financial needs. One of those - one of the initiatives you mentioned, the contraception, will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government.

STEPHANOPOULOS: So no apologies for that?

PELOSI: No apologies. No. we have to deal with the consequences of the downturn in our economy.

Following the Speaker's logic here, as best we can, the fewer children born the better it is for the economy. States with fewer children to educate and care for can lower their expenses. Fewer kids save money and stimulate the economy in Nancy's Wonderland.

But wait. Employees at Canon in Japan, where the birth rate is alarmingly low, are being encouraged not to stay late at work, but, instead, to go home and make babies.

And, as if I wasn't confused enough, WPRI TV 12 in Providence, Rhode Island reports that the "Bad economy spurs egg and sperm sales."

These days, more men and women are trying to survive the bad economy by selling their sperm and eggs.

Now I'm thoroughly stupefied.

But there's a simple solution that I now, as a concerned citizen, offer to the Speaker.

Congress federalizes the egg and sperm farming industry solely as a source for exports to Japan. Japanese workers can then stay at work. State and Federal Governments here make money and, thereby, stimulate the economy by not having to underwrite the feeding, health care and education of children. Meanwhile, the spegg (sperm and egg) donors get their own individual economies stimulated.

It's a win-win all the way around.