PrintMay 18, 2008
The New Geography
It is good, very good indeed to see Barack Obama making good on his promises for meaningful change, even though we're still several months shy of the chief justice actually placing the golden crown upon his handsome, entitled head. No, this is a politician so different from the rest that he's making major changes without waiting for the electoral process, constitutional authority or congressional approval. Maintaining the momentum of his fast track political ascension he's already putting his campaign promises into action, making major changes in the way we look at ourselves, and I do mean major.
How about, for instance the seven new states we're suddenly being blessed with? And I don't use that term blessed without due consideration of the political implications of Barack's newly constituted America. For instance all you smarty-pants conservative pundits making snide remarks about Obama not knowing his own state of Illinois borders on Kentucky while claiming Hillary's advantage in the primary there is due to her home state of Arkansas' proximity; well, you instapundits just don't understand the new geography of Obamamerica.
You think Illinois borders on Kentucky, you smug know-it-alls? Well, maybe right now it does, but it won't for long since our Lord High Geographer has decided, in a gesture of unprecedented political magnanimity to a crushed political opponent, to create a new buffer state between the two to serve as a permanent site of political exile for you know who. However, I do think naming it Hillbilliana was a bit peevish and designating the capitol Monicapolis downright petty. However, if the Prophet walls off the entire new state and declares it a maximum security facility, he'll probably enjoy the thanks of a grateful nation, not to mention New Yorkers.
I'm probably going out on a limb here by revealing that I have inside information from someone within the Obama campaign, in fact the very person who has been tapped by His Eminence to head up his States Realignment Commission (STREAC) in the new administration. I sure hope posting it here doesn't get him fired from his campaign position that he can't be fired from because he doesn't hold a position within the campaign. Understand? OK, here then are proposals for some of the remaining new states:
New Ayresona, which will be formed from a corridor extending from Hollywood, New Mexico (formerly known as Santa Fe before Shirley McClain led the Left Coast invasion of the mindsnatchers) to Arizona to encompass those portions of that state now dominated by ASU and UA students and retired UAW workers from Michigan. To honor both its inspired creator and its unrepentant namesake, the proposed name for the new capitol is Obomba.
Wrightaho will begin in Gary, Indiana and encompass all of Chicago as it extends far enough into Wisconsin to include Madison (thereby restoring relative political sanity to the Badger State). The commission will designate the current Chicago as the new capital but has under review a proposal to rename it Shi-town, which will forever after have juvenile geography students purposely leaving out the hyphen.
Farrakhansas, the largest of the new states, is to be carved out of the westernmost portions of North and South Dakota to demonstrate that the Anointed One is cleverly aware of the unique potential of flyover country. This area is now but sparsely populated by humans and has no known black residents. Both problems will be solved by designating F-K, as it is now abbreviated by commission members, as the probation and parole site for all American jails and prisons. This is intended to provide the Democratic Administration with the ability to claim, "Crime problem? What crime problem? Only one state has a crime problem and look where it is." The proposed name for the new capitol, which is now but empty prairie, is Tyson's Corner. Sorry about that, Virginia.
Rezkohoma will serve a similar purpose as F-K but on a white collar level and with a decidedly international flavor demonstrated by the construction of the world's largest international airport located in this dry rectangle of land that used to be the Oklahoma panhandle. This facility will be capable of handling hundreds of daily, over-the-pole flights to the Mideast. The capital's proposed name, Ikhanbuyya, reflects both an exotic, international flavor as well as the new state's laissez-faire entrepreneurial spirit. Can't you just hear that peppy new state song?
Rezzzzkohoma, where the bucks come flowing off the planes...
At this point, plans for the two remaining states are still on the board although names have been proposed. To facilitate a good working relationship with Congress, STREAC is in the process of demarcating two new western states, Pelosifornia, which will naturally link Hollywood and San Francisco with a special air corridor reserved for Learjets and larger private aircraft, and Reidosa, a small but essential carve-out of Las Vegas from the rest of the state. It is the Great One's thinking that this small but significant geopolitical change will greatly enhance the value of the Senate leader's inexpensively obtained real estate holdings there, paving the way for enhanced Senate-Administration relations.
So, just what part of New Geography don't you smugbutt conservatives understand? And if any of you think you can come up with better names than STREAC, let's hear ‘em.
