Canada is finally waking up to a bitterly cold, hard truth: its freeloading days are numbered. The maple syrup cartel isn’t keeping the economy afloat, and the national security situation is downright embarrassing. Justin Trudeau is about to hit the unemployment line, presumably with a fresh bottle of Just for Men, jeggings, and a box of tissues. With Donald Trump back in the White House and looking to balance the ledger on trade, tariffs, and defense spending, Canada is realizing that the gravy train may be reaching its final stop miles short of Tim Horton’s.

So what’s a nation of ice-fishing, poutine-consuming, NATO-underfunding, military-less moochers to do? Why, look for another sugar daddy, of course! Enter: the European Union.

Yes, the EU, which is already a dysfunctional hodgepodge of economically wobbly, overregulated, self-important bureaucracies desperately trying to keep the Germans from remembering they’re Germans. The EU, where the French still think they run things, the Italians operate on a three-hour-lunch workday, and the Eastern Europeans are wondering why they even bothered leaving the Soviet Union if they were going to get ruled by Brussels instead. And now, Canada—who fancies itself the Turkey of North America—wants in. The cold, harsh reality? It’s not Turkey. But its former prime minister? A turkey, from beak to tailfeather.

Canada joining the EU would be the geopolitical equivalent of moving back into your parents’ basement after burning through your trust fund in a failed attempt to launch a kombucha brewery. Canada has spent the better part of a century outsourcing its military, trade, and energy security to the United States, all while standing on the world stage like a finger-waggin’, self-righteous undergraduate lecturing America about its behavior. But, lo and behold, when it looks like big brother isn’t going to keep picking up the tab, Canada starts looking around for another benefactor to mooch off of.

Let’s not forget that this is the same Canada that constantly stiff-arms its NATO obligations—an alliance it treats like a gym membership: always on the roster, never in the weight room, and perpetually “planning to start next Monday.” This is the second-largest country on Earth, whose national security strategy seems to hinge on the assumption that no one is particularly interested in stealing a barren tundra. Canada’s defense doctrine is less of a plan and more of a whispered prayer: “Hey, America... you got this, right?” If the answer is no, let’s just say the next prime minister might be a Russian regional governor.

And don’t even get me started on its military hardware—or lack thereof. Canada, a nation with Arctic waters, has a navy best described as two cod fishing boats, a tug, and a life raft from the last actual naval vessel to sail under the crimson maple leaf standard.

How many attack helicopters does it have? Its coastlines are about as defensible as a Canadian border agent confronted with a busload of migrants citing “asylum.” A determined herd of walruses could invade and take Ottawa by lunchtime. It’s so bad that Tim Walz could invade with his Minnesota National Guard unit, and the only resistance he’d face would be a strongly worded apology. Relax, Tim—no need to pack your bags for Canada just yet. However, at this rate, they might draft you as their new defense minister.

Canada’s most significant economic contribution to the world is pretending to be more European than American while simultaneously relying on American capital, American trade, and American military protection. It thrives on a paradox: publicly scorning the United States—while privately praying that Washington keeps ignoring its antics. But now, with Trump back in office, the free ride is over. The United States is no longer in the business of subsidizing Canada’s socialized bliss, which is a polite way of saying “socialized purgatory”—though given the state of things, even Dante might have to add another circle for Canada’s bureaucracy. And hell has officially frozen over.

So here we are—Canada, once the proud, passive-aggressive roommate of America, now trying to shack up with the EU. Correction: still passive-aggressive. But before Brussels sets a place at the table, maybe it should consider a few things about our neighbor to the North. Like the fact that its idea of economic prowess involves selling overpriced maple syrup and politely asking America not to notice its massive trade surplus. Or that Canada’s most significant international contribution is sending snowbirds to Florida, which is another way of saying Canadians vote with their feet, and their feet prefer the United States. Or that Canada is not in, well, Europe?

So, Europe, if you want the Great White North—they’re all yours except maybe a few Arctic territories. Greenland will need a buddy, and we’ve developed a real fondness for even numbers of stars these days. Just remember: they’ll lecture you about climate change while ramping up oil exports; they’ll preach diversity while freezing out conservatives; and, of course, they’ll expect you to protect them without spending a thoroughly devalued Canadian dime on defense. Sound familiar? Don’t worry—at least you’ll get some world-class curling teams out of the deal.

Speaking of Greenland, we’ll take that too.

So bon voyage, Canada. And Quebec? Let’s not kid ourselves—it’s already halfway packed. What, too soon?

Anyway, we’ll miss your bacon, but not much else. And if all else fails, Canada can always do what it does best: hold a summit, draft a strongly worded letter, and hope we don’t get too annoyed. We won’t miss your hockey teams—give it a few years, and they’ll all relocate south to escape your tax rates faster than your billionaires. 

P.S. No take-backs on Tim Walz. Or Greenland.

Charlton Allen is an attorney, former chief executive officer, and chief judicial officer of the North Carolina Industrial Commission. He is the founder of the Madison Center for Law & Liberty, Inc., editor of The American Salient, and the host of the Modern Federalist podcast. X: @CharltonAllenNC

Image: Freepik.