What are we to think about Tucker Carlson’s two trips to Moscow? On Visit One he interviewed President Vladimir Putin. On Visit Two he interviewed Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov. All the best people condemned the first visit even though it featured a valuable Russian history lesson from Professor Putin. I can’t wait for the reaction to the second visit.

I was pondering all these things in my heart last week. What is Tucker’s point, I asked myself? I even watched  “Episode 6: The Host” on “All the President’s Men.” But Tucker didn’t say.

So I will answer for him. I think that all good people who are not Intelligence State functionaries or cutouts like NPR sweetie pie Katherine Maher are asking themselves about the worldwide U.S. Empire. I dipped a toe in the pond at American Thinker back in September.

Let us be honest. The current U.S. Empire is the biggest empire in world history.

So let’s think about the U.S. Empire. What exactly is the point? Let’s recite its history.

Some people might say that the U.S. Empire started with the Civil War, when the North decided to “make the South unsafe for slavery.” But I think that most experts agree that it began with the Spanish American War in 1898, which made a U.S. colony out of the Philippines and a war hero out of the mustachioed Theodore Roosevelt, taking office in 1901 to inaugurate the mustachioed 20th century. In 1914 the non-mustachioed Brit Herbert Asquith -- soon replaced by the mustachioed David Lloyd George -- joined the mustachioed French Prime Minister René Viviani and the bearded Russian Tsar Nicholas II to take on the mustachioed German Kaiser Wilhelm II. The whole thing got stuck in the Flanders mud until President Woodrow Wilson heroically entered the war to “make the world safe for democracy.” The result was a totalitarian communist regime in Russia featuring the mustachioed Stalin and a totalitarian Nazi regime in Germany featuring the mustachioed Hitler. Nice going, Woody.

There was only one thing to do. The clean-shaven Franklin Delano Roosevelt declared war on mustaches with his Four Freedoms speech in January 1941, to make the world free for speech, free for religion, free from want, and free from fear. Less than a year later, on the Day of Infamy, the mustachioed Japanese Tojo attacked Pearl Harbor and so the U.S. went to war. The result was mixed: democracy was returned to Germany and Japan, and Britain got the NHS, but the totalitarian Stalin got to occupy half of Europe, and any hope of democracy in China was eliminated by the totalitarian Mao Zedong. Nice going, Frankie.

There was only one thing to do. The U.S. appointed the mustachioed Allen Dulles as head of the CIA to fight a Cold War against Soviet Russia and Maoist China. Experts agree it was a complete coincidence that President Kennedy was assassinated almost two years to the day after Kennedy fired Dulles in 1961.

And so the U.S. Empire entered its glory years, with the Intelligence Community throwing elections, staging coups, broadcasting to the world with Voice of America, and making the world safe for democracy with a barrage of NGOs, U.S. troops in over 40 countries, the odd Korean, Vietnamese, and Ukrainian war to continue to make the world safe for democracy, and numerous wars in the Middle East to soothe the Islamic fury of Muslims and Arabs.

But what do we do with the U.S. Empire now, as President Trump chats with Ukraine President Zelenskyy and hobnobs with the crowned heads of Europe in a rebuilt Notre Dame cathedral blessed by South African opera singer Pretty Yende singing “Amazing Grace”?

Yes, I know that the story of the Wars of the Mustaches that I just related is not the Official History. But I think that my idea of representing the history of the U.S. Empire as a succession of blunders relieved by blind luck is better than the current lefty Narrative that the whole thing amounts to nothing but racism and settler-colonialism and genocide in Palestine.

I think that it’s time to think about the day that our luck runs out, and act before the everyday blunders lead to a disaster: the retreat from Kabul in 2021 writ large. So here’s my brilliant Five Point Plan.

1. Reduce our NATO membership to observer status, and force our Euro lapdogs to grow a pair.
2. Chat up India as a wedge between Russia and China.
3. Send the CIA and its cutouts into Iran for a spot of regime change (especially after last week!).
4. Bring our troops home so that U.S. troops are stationed in only 7.62 countries worldwide instead of 44.
5. Invade Canada because Justice for Truckers. (That’s a joke, son)

You got a problem with that? You got a better idea? Then let’s hear your Five Point Plan, Senator. And it better be good.

Christopher Chantrill @chrischantrill blogs at The Commoner Manifesto and runs the go-to site on US government finances, usgovernmentspending.com. Also get his American Manifesto and his Road to the Middle Class.

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