“There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country—and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months—even years at a time.” — Robin Williams as “Mrs. Doubtfire”

Don't get me wrong, I think Robin Williams was a comedic genius. Troubled, certainly, but from all accounts a kind and generous man who brought joy and laughter with him wherever he went.

Williams narrates the quote above after the cinematic portrayal of a contentious child custody hearing. We watch happy children finally reunite with their grateful father for an afternoon of fun. Meanwhile their mother watches them leave while projecting a resigned compromise with it all.

What struck me about this imaginary family was the unwillingness or inability of either one of the parents to change and grow so as to save their family. Individually they seemed like wonderful people but both exhibited traits that made it impossible for them to live with each other. Williams’s character was slightly manic, spontaneous, living completely in the moment with little thought of the consequences while Sally Fields portrayed a reserved, even staid person who valued predictability and order.

The Meyers-Briggs test may have revealed Williams to be an ENFP who was married to Fields’s ISTJ. Oil and water, or maybe gasoline and a flame. They say opposites attract but if two people have nothing in common and cannot or will not adapt to each other, how are they to stay together?

People who live or work in close proximity must compromise and agree to a shared set of formal and informal rules regarding conduct to manage conflicts. I envision it as rocks in a stream being gradually worn smooth. As we spend time with others our interactions can and should “knock the rough edges of” of our sometimes-prickly personalities, enabling us to coexist.

Urban Japanese areas are often densely populated and their culture has developed an ethos of courtesy to manage their interactions. The word for their politeness is “keigo”, meaning “respectful language” and encompasses various forms of speech that reflect respect, humility, and politeness.

People who refuse to compromise or to change and grow in order to preserve the relationship are difficult or impossible to live with, and that assumes that they share a desired end-state of that relationship. This is being lived out in families every day.

For thousands of years the nuclear family has been recognized as the most basic, stable, and propitious environment in which to raise children. Marriage and divorce records prior to WWII are incomplete for various reasons but currently, about 43% of U.S. marriages end in divorce, most commonly for conflict, infidelity, inadequate communication, incompatibility, and lack of intimacy.

Included in those conflicts is abuse, victimizing 10 million people a year including 25% of women, 10% of men and 10% of children; 40% of victims never contact the police.

More than anything else, people need safe, stable living environments and children must have proper role models. Mothers and fathers model the manner in which men and women relate to each other, to their children, to relatives, friends and to members of the public both above and below their station.

People obviously must be protected from abuse. Abusers need to be counseled, treated, and when necessary, removed from the living situation. The tension then is between the immediate safety of the individual versus the long-term effects of placement in a less-than-healthy environment.

There are roughly 400,000 U.S. children in foster care. Some were victims of abuse, neglect or were abandoned by their parents. These circumstances inflict trauma on children and whether they remain with their biological parents or are placed in foster care they still need healing. There’s an expression that says, “hurt people hurt people”, meaning those who are hurt will go on to hurt others. Children who experience abuse may normalize that behavior so that when they become adults they engage in those same behaviors with their own families. Abuse may cause them to be timid, mistrustful, or stuck in a victim mentality. Thus, one child’s experience of abuse may echo through generations.

The family forms the individual cells of the body politic and, together with faith in God and love of country, it is the foundation of a healthy nation. That’s why we were outraged at the videos of hundreds of drag queens chanting “we’re coming for your children” while they marched through Manhattan’s East Village in June of 2023.

When someone declares war on you, you’re at war whether you want to be or not. We must defend the family. Our nation depends on it. 

One of the witnesses to the Marian apparitions at Fatima, Sister Lucia dos Santos, wrote,

‘The final battle between the Lord and the kingdom of Satan will be about Marriage and the Family. [But] Don’t be afraid because whoever works for the sanctity of Marriage and the Family will always be fought against and opposed in every way, because this is the decisive issue. Nevertheless, Our Lady has already crushed his head’.

The recipient of Sr. Lucia’s letter, Cardinal Caffarra added that,

[T]he family [is] the core, since it has to do with the supporting pillar of creation, the truth of the relationship between man and woman, between the generations. If the foundational pillar is damaged, the entire building collapses and we're seeing this now, because we are right at this point and we know it.

I will give Saint Pope John Paul II the final words. In his homily of 1986 given in Perth, Australia, he said,

As the family goes, so goes the nation, and so goes the whole world in which we live. Children need parents who will provide them with a stable family environment. To know what real love is they need you to be united in your love for each other and for them. From you they seek companionship and guidance. From you, first and foremost, they must learn to distinguish right from wrong and to choose good over evil....do not deprive your children of their rightful human and spiritual heritage. Teach them about God, and tell them about Jesus, about his love and his Gospel. Teach them to love God and respect his commandments in the sure knowledge that they are his children above all. Teach them to pray. Teach them to be mature and responsible human beings, and honest citizens of their country. This is a stupendous privilege, a grave duty, and a wonderful task that you have received from God.

Image: FreePik.