It’s too bad Jake from State Farm wasn’t available to moderate the first (and likely only) presidential debate.  That guy loves good deals as much as President Trump, and the two would have gotten along famously.  Instead, we’re stuck with Jake from CNN — the Democrat partisan whose dour facial expression seems fixed somewhere between that of a scowling schoolmarm and a haughty tailor inhaling a flatulent customer’s farts.

Part of America’s kabuki “democracy” requires that only rabid Marxist-Democrats be allowed to host forums for political candidates vying for office.  It doesn’t make any sense and generally guarantees that Republicans end up debating the moderators as much as they debate their opponents on stage, but tradition demands that Democrats be in total control of what questions Republicans are asked.  

In 2012, George Stephanopoulos — a Clinton henchman cosplaying as an “objective” journalist — was obsessed with asking Republican presidential candidates whether they would ban contraception.  Nobody understood why Tiny George was so strangely fascinated with Republicans’ stance on cheap prophylactics.  Later on during the general election, Democrats ran scare campaigns claiming that Republicans wanted to criminalize casual sex.  It became clear that Staphylococcal’s tawdry debate questions were designed to drive single women to the polls while painting Republicans as the villains from The Handmaid’s Tale.  That’s the kind of “objective” journalism we should expect from CNN.

Perhaps Dana Bash — Jake from CNN’s Democrat co-moderator — will try to pull the birth control gambit against Trump on behalf of all women who are desperately afraid of marriage and monogamy, or perhaps she will spend her time on television accusing Trump of serial “Me Too” crimes for which he must be punished.  Either way, the Communist News Network believes it has a journalistic duty to remind women that they aren’t really women unless they vote for Democrats (you know, the party that prefers men dominating women’s sports).  

Speaking of journalistic duties, shouldn’t the Clinton News Network be expected to apologize for pushing the Clinton-Obama Russia Hoax for so many years before being rewarded with a national debate?  Shouldn’t CNN apologize for falsely claiming that Hunter Biden’s “laptop from Hell” was “Russian disinformation” in the lead-up to the 2020 election?  CNN has a documented record of committing fraud against the American people and interfering in elections.  Expecting integrity from infamous liars is like expecting Dracula to embrace the cross.

“Tapper and Bash” does have a goofy ring to it.  It could easily be the name of TNT’s next buddy-cop dramedy for lazy summer entertainment, but something tells me these two can’t be funny.  No, they are serious journalists who must be seen doing serious journalism, so that ordinary Americans mistake their rapid-fire lies for irrefutable truths.  If anything, their show would probably be called, “Jake and Dana: Nazi Hunters.”  That’s not even a stretch.  Both Jake and Dana have spent the last decade comparing President Trump to Adolf Hitler and slandering his supporters as actual Nazis. They have wasted countless hours on television pretending that Trump has super-secret plans to build a Fourth Reich. When they’re not hunting imaginary MAGA Nazis, CNN’s dynamic duo report on every bit of scurrilous Trump gossip as if it were life-and-death breaking news.  Jake the Snake even aired an entire investigative report dedicated to discussions about President Trump’s penis.  Now that doesn’t sound at all like two wackadoodle nutjobs lost in their own self-indulgent fantasy world.  That sounds like two serious journalists who should be moderating this decade’s most important presidential debate!

I can already hear Jake from CNN’s opening questions for the candidates.

Tapper: Mr. Trump, why are you a Nazi?

Trump: I’m not.

Tapper: President Biden, why is Mr. Trump lying about not being a Nazi?

Biden: (argle-bargle mumbling and angry fist-waving) 

This is CNN.  Time for a commercial break.

I’m just kidding.  Dementia Joe might look like a wandering nursing home patient most of the time, but his nurses…er, handlers…er, staff always make sure he’s ready for primetime television.  He disappears for a week, and when he reappears for the State of the Union or to deliver some divisive speech about MAGA Nazis, it’s as if he’s a brand new man.  Some might point out that Biden’s constantly shifting hairline, earlobes, and facial features suggest that the White House has some kind of Joe Clone reserved for those special occasions requiring intelligible speech.  Others would argue that his increased agitation and delusional paranoia suggest that he’s hopped-up full of amphetamines and cocaine.  One thing’s for sure: when Jill Biden brings out her doctored husband…I mean, when Doctor Jill Biden delivers her husband to the debate, the high-energy man before us will not resemble the confused Alzheimer’s patient who usually pretends to be president of the United States.  Call it a miracle of pharmaceutical science…or something.

What I do know is that after Old Joe disappears for a week, he returns with an angry temper.  He scowls, shakes his fists, and screams a lot.  I always think, “Oof, somebody got Joe Clone’s dosage wrong.”  But then another important event arrives, Joe disappears for a week, and when he returns, he’s just as angry and menacing as the last time.  So, in my estimation, whatever Hunter Biden’s drug dealers are giving his dad must be a difficult cocktail to get just right.  You give him too little, and he’s an incoherent, slobbering mess who trips over his own feet.  You give him a little too much, and he’s screaming at imaginary demons and threatening to beat up Corn Pop. 

The White House has obviously given up trying to find a drug-induced happy medium for Stoned Joe’s temperament.  Now they just explain away all his fire-breathing aggression with the equivalent of an Internet meme: Oh, that’s just Dark Brandon fighting for the American people!  The whole “Brandon” thing, you might remember, comes from an incident at the Talladega Superspeedway in late 2021 when NBC Sports reporter Kelli Stavast preposterously told viewers that “F--- Joe Biden” chants from the crowd were actually “Let’s Go Brandon” cheers in celebration of Brandon Brown’s Sparks 300 victory.  Biden’s communications team, desperate to co-opt Americans’ subsequent (and hilarious) use of “Let’s Go Brandon” as a substitute for the more direct profanity, tried to claim “Brandon” for their own public relations purposes.  

Whenever Joe behaves oddly, the Pravda Press claim that the doddering fool in the Oval Office has assumed his “Dark Brandon” alter ego in order to defend Americans from danger.  Why the American people would want a crazy person protecting them from danger is beyond me.  It’s become clear, however, that whenever the White House is forced to defend Biden’s bizarre behavior as some kind of demented superpower attributed to “Dark Brandon,” his people are really just admitting, “Yeah, we juiced him up with enough illegal narcotics to kill a small elephant.”  Expect a hyperactive and hallucinatory “Dark Brandon” to show up for the presidential debate.  The question remains whether “Dark Brandon’s” superpowers include an uncanny ability to survive an accelerated heart rate lasting longer than ninety minutes.  I guess it will depend on whether Angry Joe really took one of his mandated COVID “vaccines.”

Finally, we should all expect CNN to play favorites with its new superpower — unilateral control over the muting of the candidates’ microphones.  This was a debate demand from the Biden camp, who also insisted that there be no live audience.  Apparently Biden’s handlers are worried that external stimuli might trigger a total malfunction and collapse from their candidate.  I guess “Dark Brandon’s” kryptonite is…well…everything. 

No doubt CNN’s Nazi hunters, Jake and Dana, will take every opportunity to silence President Trump.  That’s what happens when Democrats control “debates.”

Image: Gage Skidmore via Flickr, CC BY-SA 2.0.