Perhaps like many of you, we haven’t been sleeping much lately as we try to fathom the big picture, you know, the impenetrable outcome of our recent National Election. We know it’s pointless and we old guys need our beauty sleep, so we don’t suddenly morph into the old codger who allegedly won our Presidency. Then there’s that sciency thing where the brain needs eight hours or so to recharge itself (why do you think he was called Sleepy Joe and seldom left his basement?). Those fractured segments of brain rest can cause neurons to react and analyze data in incongruous ways. This is the reason for our astute, if less erudite, Midwestern style of conservative analysis of Vote 2020. Rather than a blue wave crashing over America, the tainted Biden ”lead” has been the result of a National Square Dance conspiracy, yes conspiracy. Here is why.

Depending on your age and geolocation in the United States you may or may not be familiar with the cultural phenomenon called Square Dancing.

Photo credit: Honinbou  CC BY SA-4.0 International license. 

One of us is from northern Ohio and the other went there for college. In our elementary school days, when you could still pray and recite the Pledge of Allegiance, there was an initiative called “The President’s Council on Physical Fitness.” It was formed because the nation’s youth were eating way too many Frosted Flakes for breakfast, along with a multitude of Wonder Bread peanut and jelly sandwiches with Twinkies and Bosco chocolate milk to wash it all down. Dinner would now be what marathon runners call carbohydrate loading -- Swanson TV dinners and some canned Chef Boyardee Pasta concoction and slices of pie and ice cream for dessert.

The bottom line was if the Russians decided to invade instead of nuking us as we hid protected under our school desks, we would all likely fail miserably at hand-to-hand combat. So, we were made to run, perform various calisthenics, climb ropes to the top of the gym ceiling and importantly, experience the physicality of the uniquely American Square Dance. We believe this plan was if the Ruskies showed up on our doorstep we would use square dance lingo- -- a kind of code talking -- to confuse the enemy and when necessary, spontaneously break into amorphous waves of grinning couples that would seem innocent enough but could stealthily lull the enemy into a permanent hypnotic state.

What in the Sam Hill, you question, does this have to do with the 2020 Election? In our humble opinion, this was the same cunning strategy adopted by left-leaning Democrats to steal this election for Harris-Biden. Permit us to explain why this nefarious plan was hatched.

At the start of this year there was not much question President Trump would breeze onto a second term. The country was on a roll -- low gas prices, fat 401k accounts, low unemployment, real minority economic gains and a relatively peaceful planet. No masks, no shutdown, no worries. Even Lil’ Rocketman had become quiescent and the Arabs started cooperating with Israel. Then we were infected with it, the Wuhan virus. We were politically, immunologically, and socially naive to this new Chinese viral monster that lurked on the horizon and was designed to keep on giving. We shut down the economy and Democrats never shut up blaming management failure of this unique, novel disease on the political party controlling the White House -- despite their state governments being responsible for their own brand of deadly mismanagement. As the economy ground to a halt, the left (including the deprecating mainstream media, academe, virtue-signaling corporate America and the deep state) saw an opportunity to steal the election by putting in place their steal-the-election “Square Dance Initiative.”

Here is how this performance slight-of-hand developed. Square Dance is loved by millions, ok probably thousands, and ranges from beginners to semiprofessional participants. You have a small musical team- -- usually a fiddler, harmonica player, maybe a guy blowing into an old whiskey jug and sometimes a skinny grinning man running a set of spoons clattering up and down his thigh and looking way too happy, so we’ll call him Hunter. Then you have the big man who calls out the encrypted instructions like Do-Si -Do, Allemande left, Sashay, or Circle left to move the paired up radicals (LGTQ, BLM and Antifa couples) who form the progressive teams, all following the Caller’s orders, producing precise movements that are conducted out of what would seem like pleasurable confusion to naive conservatives. Smiling confidently, the face-masked socialist, dressed in starched ruffled and pleated gingham, string ties and high waisted skinny jeans that the men have their thumbs pushed in to, relieving pressure from their groins. This is the Dance of Corruption, modeled to steal the election utilizing the same basic moves as a Square Dance competition. While we watched with our mouths gapped open, they Sashayed left with the mainstream media pronounced it fact.

The Democrat bands play their version of classic Square Dance songs like Flop Eared Mule, Joe’s Bin-a-Gittin’ and Harris Ain’t a Commie. The Mainstream Media Boys and Gals were assisted by Jackass Dorsey, Mark (Hidin’ the Truth) Zuckerberg and The Big Tech Mediarettes. They play their tunes expertly and the Caller, ‘Big Guy’ Georgie Soros, barked out his directives so the dancers could cast hypnotic spells on the masses gathering to watch their expert moves. Slogan-driven hoards morphed into zombie-like creatures because of a new thingy called “Post Square Dance Stress Syndrome” and rush onto the streets to cast through protest and violence their progressive political plan upon all of us.

They concocted these new “Inclusive” election rules to cheat (leave no possible deceased voter or illegal alien vote uncounted) and win while everyone was sleeping trustfully or distracted by the dance. The Right naively continued slow dancing, believing their music was better, if not the very best in America. We can now see with 2020 hindsight how the left danced past us with all their illicit sashaying and do-si-dos. Like ancient Greek ruler Herod Antipas (the fox) we were mesmerized by the hypnotic dance, and the table was set for the decapitation of our wonderful government.

Mimicking Tucker Carlson, leftist Callers cried “Russia, Russia, Russia” over and over during the last four years so perhaps our retort should be Circle right to guard the Wagons, Grinin’ Joe’s a-stealin’ our Election!

Pierce Roberts is a practicing companion animal veterinarian and author of Death by DNA, The Trojan Plague: Countdown to Armageddon and The Atlantis Gene. Loyd Pettegrew is a Professor Emeritus at the University of South Florida and was knows as their “Token Capitalist”