Satire

We have to be thankful to Democrats for continually reminding Americans of the horrible if not intractable problems our country faces. We sympathize with their needs. Because we love our fellow Americans who are Democrats, we want to do whatever we can to help them achieve the perfect utopia they deserve. Here are several modest proposals that logically should be part of the Democrats’ party platform.

Democrats' 2010 version of their logo (via Pixellogo)

Racism: Democrats never tire telling us that racism is a horrible stain on America. It’s hard to disagree. The most logical way to eliminate racism is to eliminate race. Let’s start by agreeing on an all-American skin color -- white, brown, black, yellow, pink or maybe native American red? Or, how about beige?  (I personally would oppose avatar blue or cartoon chartreuse.) In any case thanks to amazing new technology it is now possible to make it mandatory for all Americans to undergo skin color treatment that will turn their skin color red, white and blue American.  This will end racism in America forever.  Of course, there’s still the accent issue. Not a problem! Thanks again to technology, every American will be equipped with an electronic voice projector so every voice will sound the same. It’s perfect.

Unequal Income: Nothing is more insulting to Democrats than wealth disparity. A recent study shows the three richest people in the US – Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos and Warren Buffett sitting on a combined US$248.5 billion fortune – own as much wealth as the bottom half of the US population, or 160 million people. The Institute for Policy Studies calls the growing gap between rich and poor a “moral crisis.”

Therefore I am asking my Congressman to introduce legislation that would confiscate (nationalize) assets of all registered Democrats and Democratic Socialists and their supporters (including Gates, Bezos and Buffet as well as wealthy politicians such as Nancy Pelosi and Diane Feinstein) and donate those assets to the Social Security and Medicare funds. Think of the many advantages. The Democrats will have a clean conscience that they are doing their fair share to eliminate wealth disparity. In addition, we would be strengthening two critical “entitlement” funds important to all Americans. Of course, dealing with Republicans will be a bit more difficult on this, but perhaps something can be negotiated once Democrats have shown the way and set the moral standard.

Guaranteed Income For All.  This is a idea whose time has come. Democrats advocate a basic $15 an hour ($43,800) a year regardless of the job. But why stop there? Even a high minimum wage will not eliminate income disparity. And as Democrats such as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez keep telling us, there is plenty of money out there. We are the richest country on earth.  She’s right. Why fool around? Let’s mandate a $1,000,000 a year salary for all jobs, as well as for those unable or unwilling to work. Everybody will be a millionaire. Sign me up.

Health Care For All: Democrats are all in on this issue. Universal health care is a basic human right. Sounds good to me. There is, of course, that nagging issue of how it will be funded. President Trump’s current federal budget proposal is $3.4 trillion.

Bernie Sanders's universal health care plan would cost $33 trillion.

The answer to funding is simple. It’s the same way we are going to guarantee a $1,000,000 salary for every American. It turns out the government owns the printing presses and can print whatever is needed. If you have doubts on this, just ask the Democrats’ new super star, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Finally, we have someone smart enough to have figured it out.

The Southern Border Wall: Nancy Pelosi says, “A wall (along our Southern border) is an immorality. It’s not who we are as a nation.” We understand. Walls don’t build friendships. They are insulting. They suggest exclusion and superiority, not to mention racism. We need urgent legislation to outlaw all walls and fences in the US – particularly walls around the mansions of rich politicians such as Nancy herself and bleeding-heart celebrities. Let’s mandate that all residential and business walls be torn down immediately. The last thing Democrats want is to be associated with anything that is immoral or racist. And while we’re at it, let’s grant everyone in the world who requests it American citizenship along with a bonus right of admission. Soon, we’ll have a population larger than China. And with a guaranteed $1,000,000,000 salary, they’ll all be rich. What could possibly go wrong?

Gun Control: We know guns are dangerous. We need to eliminate danger in our society because it upsets the snowflakes. Therefore, let’s just ignore the Second Amendment. All guns should be confiscated and destroyed. Let’s not only disarm all residents of the US including citizens, non-citizens and NRA members, but also police, the FBI and various security forces including all armed guards for politicians and celebrities. If nobody has guns, there will be no danger from guns and therefore there will be no need to have one. Imagine! We can melt those guns down and turn them into a railway bridge across the Atlantic as part of a larger plan to eliminate polluting air traffic.

A Woman’s Right to Choose:  In the important cause of women’s health, New York law now supports abortion up to and even after the moment of birth. But what about a woman’s health afterwards? It’s not uncommon for women to suffer from post-partum depression. There are also serious issues of sleep depravation and the outrageous amount of time that must be spent with a new baby, which can adversely affect a business career or other activities such as going to parties and having fun. The obvious solution is to extend the mother’s right to choose to the child’s first birthday. After all, there is no real difference in killing a baby one second before birth or a year later, is there? And killing off all those babies will reduce the government obligation to pay the $1,000,000 guaranteed salaries.

Saving the Planet – Democrats and others on the left never stop telling us that the sky is falling. Time is running out – OAC has revealed we only have 12 years to save the planet.  Let’s get started. The switch to all electric vehicles begins immediately. Ban all gasoline, diesel and aviation gas fueled vehicles. Meanwhile, we’ll build bridges facilitating the use of solar powered trains to cross the Atlantic and the Pacific, thereby eliminating air traffic. We’ll rebuild every structure in America to make them all environmentally friendly. Think of all the jobs that will be created. Farting cows are a big problem. So let’s slaughter all bovines immediately. We need to all go vegan.  After all no one really needs ice cream. And almond milk is delicious. Water is a precious commodity, an important natural resource. Let’s not waste it. Let’s require men to urinate in an empty milk jug instead of a toilet. That would save millions of flushes a year.  And while we’re at it, let’s permanently eliminate the military, a huge producer of greenhouse gas emissions.  And, of courses, stop having children who consume so much of the earth’s resources. Now I must confess, this proposal is not original with me. It’s one of those times when Democrats are ahead of me with their own modest proposal. (BTW, it’s estimated the Democrats’ Green New Deal will cost an estimated $94 trillion, a modest $600,000 per household. But hey, they’ll be saving the world.)

Frank Hawkins is a former U.S. Army intelligence officer, Associated Press foreign correspondent, international businessman, senior newspaper company executive, founder and owner of several marketing companies, and published novelist.  He currently lives in retirement in North Carolina.