Let's say that you are a Ku Klux Klan member, perhaps even a member of the Robert Byrd memorial chapter in West Virginia. You have a long and proud family heritage of racial purity and activism, and Democrat politics. Senator Byrd was a great leader of your chapter, and you want to do well by his memory. One of the historically proud activities of the KKK is, of course, lynching blacks, but it has become more difficult in recent years to execute a proper lynching, what with the politically correct media and all. Lynchings, killings, maimings, church burnings, and pickup truck draggings are just not as easy as they used to be. 

Many things are not like they used to be. There was a time when the racists in the Democrat party had the news media in their back pockets. Some things just didn't get reported.  But with the civil rights push in the '60s, everything turned upside down. White Democrats who were leaders of the white purity movement turned coat and threw in with those people. 

What's a proud KKK member to do?

Here's what you do. There's this organization, funded by Democrat-appropriated government money. They support a woman's right to choose, reproductive freedom and privacy. They make a few bucks selling spare parts on the side, but everybody has bills to pay. A woman who was keenly interested in improving the lot of humanity founded the organization, and it has stayed true to her vision. This bunch is called Planned Parenthood, and they take care of a few hundred thousand unwanted pregnancies each year, all fully legal, all backed by the full faith and credit of the United States of America.

There's a number you need to know. We know, you didn't do well at arithmetic in school, but fifth grade cipherin' is hard, we'll give you that. Calm down -- this will be easy. About three out of every ten pregnancies taken care of by Planned Parenthood are those of black mothers.  That's a bunch of black fetuses, um...  babies. In black neighborhoods, most all their service is to black women. Remember that fact.

All you have to do to send one of those black fetuses, um... babies, to the dumpster is send Planned Parenthood a check for about $500. You know you can spare the cash, bro'. Better send an anonymous money order. You can stuff cash into an envelope, but there are a lot of them working in the Post Office. You know what we mean. Pick a Planned Parenthood office in a black neighborhood, say, Harlem, in New York. Yes, that's up no’th, in the Union. Even better!

Planned Parenthood will be happy to receive your contribution. You might even write 'choice scholarship' on the memo line, so they know what it's for. The next poor, unfortunate, downtrodden, discriminated-against black mother who comes in for an abortion will receive the happy news that her procedure has been fully paid for!

I know what you are thinking: “But that's not a baby, it's just fetal tissue.” That's what some people say, even some hifalutin Supreme Court justices. But think about it this way. Remember your preacher from when you were a kid, the one who yelled a lot against black people marrying white people? What would he say? You'd never hear him use the term, 'fetal tissue.' He'd say 'baby.' No, you need to get it through your thick head right now, white boy, that it's a baby. Proper thinking is important, so your act of charity won't be futile.

Now isn't that easy? No kidnapping a black person. No drumming up false rape charges and getting a bunch of expensive lawyers involved. No rope needed, no tree, no burning cross, no pickup truck, no chain, and you don't even have to leave the comfort of your trailer. Perfectly legal! Not a chance of jail time, even with the stupid diversity news media. Just mail that check, and schedule a kegger with your hunting buds in about a week, to celebrate the greatness of America. Bring your sheets and swastika arm bands.

You better get on this directly. We hear there are people out there making sting videos trying to get Planned Parenthood in trouble, or even put them out of business. Pretty soon there'll be a video by a bunch of forensic accountants (people who have been to college to learn to count), and they will put a stop to this anonymous lynching by donation. Maybe you can start a pool down at the mine, and take advantage of our right to privacy while we still have it, before we have to go back to lynching black people the hard way.

Now, let's say that you are a Black Panthers member, perhaps even a member of the Barack Hussein Obama memorial chapter in Chicago...