When I opened the email about U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) offering illegal aliens (sorry, detainees) their choice of underwear, I thought it was a hoax. Nope, the news release is here and Further Guidance Regarding the Care of Transgender Detainees here, all 18 glorious pages (unless www.ice.gov is a Chinese-spoofed site, always a possibility).

ICE ERO Executive Assistant Director Thomas Homan sets the tone. “We want to make sure our employees have the tools and resources available to learn more about how to interact with transgender individuals and ensure effective standards exist to house and care for them throughout the custody cycle.” “Cycle” is a nice touch, neatly capturing the nature of the catch-and-release program ICE is running.

Note that “tools and resources” means simply asking questions to determine a detainee’s sex: “Pursuant to DHS PREA Standards, at no time shall any search be conducted solely for the purpose of determining a detainee’s biological sex.”

We can rest assured that the memo was created to the highest standards:

This new guidance is the result of a six-month agency Working Group that examined these issues with subject matter experts, sought input from transgender individuals, and visited various non-federal facilities across the country to observe best practices.

Well, I’m on board now -- “agency Working Group… subject matter experts… best practices.” Did they use Total Quality Management too? Six Sigma? Kaizen? Voice of the Customer? Plan-Do-Check-Act? Fishbone Diagrams? Random Word Technique?

Speaking of random words, did “best practices” include giving the detainee a safeword when putting on the handcuffs? “Just yell ‘Refugiado!’ and I’ll take the cuffs off, my little sub!”

“ICE ERO will provide a respectful, safe, and secure environment for all detainees, including those individuals who identify as transgender.” That could describe a scene on a college campus where a professor negotiates the ground rules for a seminar in nineteenth-century American lit: “To create a safe, sane, and consensual space for all students, free of triggering events, you will never hear me say the words Huckleberry Finn again.”

Here’s how an FOD (Field Office Director) is to conduct Initial Processing: “The following script is appropriate, but not required… Do you wish to disclose your gender identity (please note you are not required to disclose information about your gender identity which you are not comfortable sharing)?

Talk about tiptoeing through the tulips. Who’s interviewing whom? But not to worry, because the detainee may lie as he/she/it/they see fit:

The detainee shall not be disciplined for refusing to answer any gender identity-related questions during processing, for not disclosing complete information in response to questions asked about gender identity, or for falsely reporting that he or she is not transgender.

If that’s the case, could the detainee be forgiven for assuming that lying during any other part of Initial Processing is OK too? What are a few white lies in a play-acting scene?

At the end of this deft, delicate, and deferential probing, the Transgender Classification and Care Committee (TCCC) creates an “individualized Detention Plan,” much as a counselor helps an undergraduate choose between a major in communications or sustainability.

Para. 2h solemnly declares that the detainee’s information is sacrosanct: “Pursuant to the DHS PREA Standards, the FOD shall ensure sensitive information… is not shared with others who do not have a need to know.” But if the Chinese hack ICE’s computers and gain the information, that’s OK, because no one will be fired for allowing it to happen.

Incidentally, the inclusiveness police at ICE may want to revisit the acronym LGBTI (Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender, or Intersex), because not everyone in the “community” is down with it. I mean, what about AEOU&SometimesY? Don’t they have rights too?

The memo ends with Attachment 3, two pages of definitions, including such obscure terms as “Detainee: An individual detained in ERO custody.” Who knew? The memo is addressed to Assistant Directors, Deputy Assistant Directors, Field Office Directors, Deputy Field Office Directors, Assistant Field Office Directors, and ICE Health Service Corps, none of whom, apparently, has the first clue as to what a “detainee” is.

To be fair, the attachment has more difficult terms as well:

Gender Affirming Surgery. Surgical alteration of male or female genitals, or the reshaping, by any surgical procedure, or a male body into a body with female appearance, or vice versa. Also referred to as “sex reassignment surgery (SRS),” “gender reassignment surgery (GRS),” or by other names. Note gender affirming surgery is the preferred name.

Sounds like a veiled threat: Saying “SRS” or “GRS” rather than “GAS” may be a career-limiting move.

If you’re dying to learn the definition of such things as “Gender Dysphoria” (previously known as Gender Identity Disorder), see Further Guidance Regarding the Care of Transgender Detainees, Attachment 3.

Henry Percy is the nom de guerre of a writer in Arizona. He may be reached at saler.50d[at]gmail.com.