The Middle East is like a vast dysfunctional family.  Western leftists like to place all the blame on Israel, but for 1,300 years before modern Israel declared its independence, Muslims were routinely killing each other, following the rule: Me against my brother, my brothers and me against our cousins, my clan against the world.

One of the weirdest moves in this dysfunctional culture is for Arabs and Turks to accuse each other of being secret Jews.  Even the WaPo has an article called “The Protocols of the Elders of Turkey,” telling this Tale of the Weird.

In the land of the mad mullahs, the same insult is practiced.  Former president Ahmadinejad was accused of being a “secret Jew,” and, taking his turn, he accused his opposition of the same thing.

The closest thing is toddlers yelling “poopie kid!” to their little sibs.  Or teens calling each other “so gay.”  It isn’t exactly adult politics.

But!  Today, science comes to the rescue, in the form of DNA analysis.  You can send in some of your body cells from hair or a cheek swab, and the lab will mail you a long family tree.

An Italian friend whose family has been Catholic for generations decided to have his DNA analyzed.  He sent for the little mail-in kit, cut off some hairs, and found out to his surprise that his ancestors were 40% Jewish (from the European branch, the Ashkenazis).  About a million Israelis are descended from Middle Eastern roots, and – surprise! – they look a lot like the Arabs, the Turks, the Berbers, and so on.

So here is the secret CIA plan to take some of the hatred out of the Muslim Middle East – simply get a couple of cells from all the biggest haters, like the thug running ISIS, send it for DNA analysis, and publish the results to all the social media.

Remember that with two parents each, our chances of being related to other families doubles every generation.  In about 25 years it doubles, then in 50 years it doubles again, in 75 years again.  In 100 years, four generations, we get two to the fourth power, or sixteen different families contributing to your DNA.

Make it 200 years, or eight generations, and we get 256 different families contributing to your personal DNA – assuming your folks don’t marry each other.

If you go several centuries back, we end up being related to King Henry VIII, Vito Genovese, and a tribe of Hottentots.

Muslim culture denies this elementary piece of arithmetic, because, like other patriarchies, traditional Muslims count only the male lineage – son, father, grandfather, great-grandfather, male, male, male, male, male.  This certainly simplifies the arithmetic, but it results in a completely delusional idea about one’s relatives.  There are no pure male lineages, I’m afraid.

As Dr. Mudar Zahran points out, in Palestine/Jordan/Israel, the fictional Palestinians are really Arabs with names hailing from the great Arabian desert, or Egypt, Iraq, Yemen, and so on.  The king of Jordan is called Hashemite (which means Semitic), but his lineage was born into a Saudi family and appointed to rule Jordan as a kind of consolation prize when the French and Brits sliced up the Middle East after WWI.  Zahran points out a number of “Palestinian” names indicating Jewish ancestry.

The good news is that solid scientific analysis shoots down any simple-minded ethnic identity.  Not even the Saudis, who are all supposed to be “pure Arabs,” are descended from other Arabs.  Arabia has always been a great cross-current of nomadic and seaborne trading routes, and wherever people trade, they raid, and also have sexual intercourse, strewing babies in their path.

The coast of the Eastern Mediterranean is called the Levant, but in Arabic it’s El Sham, or the land of the Semites.  Semitic languages have ancient roots, just like English, German, French, and all the others.  Arabic is a Semitic language.  So are Hebrew, Aramaic (the daily language spoken by Jesus), Akkadian, and many others.

It’s very easy to spot biblical names in Arabic – Ibrahim (Abraham), Ishak (Isaac), Yacub (Jacob, Jack),  Issa (Jesus, Yeshu in Hebrew), Mussa (Moses), and on and on.

Patronymics are the father’s name when added to a son’s name.  The phony name of the ISIS leader ends in “Al Qurashi,” a name that is supposed to go back to Muhammad.  But “Qurashi” means “member of the Qureish tribe,” and the Qureishi were a Jewish tribe that Mohammed slaughtered on his road of absolute power.  In his customary fashion, Mohammed took women and children as his personal slaves and had babies.

The criminal thug who leads ISIS therefore claims descent from a Jewish tribe mentioned in the Koran.

How about them apples?

Since reactionary Muslims avoid modern science like the plague, they are not likely to send their hairs and cheek swabs to the genetics lab for analysis.

We should therefore do it for them.

Or maybe the CIA, the Mossad, or – who knows? – the French Sûreté will do it for us.

In fact, since so many nations hate each other in that part of the world, the Turks can collect cheek samples from the Kurds, the Kurds can do it to ISIS, and the new caliphate can do it to all its many enemies, including King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia.

Then, when Turkey’s biggest turkey, Recip ErdoДџan, wants to accuse his personal enemy Hamid Gulen of being a Jew, he can find out exactly what percentage it is.  The Iranian mullahs will finally have something real to fight about, and even the Pakistanis might find some “foreign” DNA in their own genes.

Africans are bound to be the winners, because 60,000 years ago all humans were living in the African continent.

By the time the scientists have figured out the ancestral lineages going all the way back, we will all be so utterly confused that we will have to figure out whole new reasons to fight each other.