Satire

It should be apparent to even the most casual observer that there has been a recent string of railroad disasters that cannot simply be written off as coincidence.   Three major accidents in Spain, Pakistan, and Switzerland have occurred within the past week alone.

Based on our exhaustive research, we have found that rail disasters¹ have skyrocketed since 1960, forming a "hockey-stick" type of pattern.  This pattern mirrors almost exactly the famous "hockey-stick" graph of global temperature developed by Dr. Michael Mann and introduced to the world in Albert Gore's highly-acclaimed documentary, "An Inconvenient Truth". 

As shown in the graph below, in a comparison of atmospheric carbon dioxide to rail accidents, it becomes obvious based on the graph's title that the steady increase of manmade CO2 emissions is somehow related to the exponential increase in rail accidents.

Since the threat of global warming is now settled science, and it is heinous to even consider the possibility that there is any uncertainty about the disaster that awaits, we must warn that if left unchecked, this phenomenon result in 15,000 rail disasters by 2025, and accidents will continue to increase by the tens of thousands each following year.  Since there are only 14,538 trains on the entire planet, this will mean that every train on every track in the world will derail, crash, and explode.

The devastation that this will cause is incalculable.  Passenger deaths will rise to the millions.  Poisonous fumes from wrecked tank cars will pollute the atmosphere; noxious chemicals will be released into rivers and lakes, destroying the ecosystem.  Flammable liquids will be ignited, causing horrific, out-of-control wildfires.  Finally, critically-needed foodstuffs will not be delivered to their destinations, resulting in mass starvation on a global scale never previously experienced in human history.²

The Andrew Thomas Humanist Science Consortium has been involved in performing extensive research on this subject, primarily by going to Wikipedia and counting the number of rail accidents each year since 1960, and graphing the results.  We are in the process of requesting $5 billion in grants from the Department of Homeland Security to perform further research on this critical issue.  This research will consist of going back to Wikipedia and faithfully recounting the rail accidents in order to verify our findings.

One particularly problematic issue encountered with our research is the fact that the Earth has effectively stopped warming for the past sixteen years, as observed in satellite data.  We are unconcerned, however, since thousands of dedicated climate scientists around the world are desperately trying to find out what went wrong with their calculations.  The news media is doing its part by suppressing this information to avoid public concern.

Nevertheless there is cause for rejoicing, as these dedicated climate scientists now believe they have discovered where the warming went.  They have learned that the heat from global warming is being hidden deep in the world's oceans.  They dismiss any contention by un-scientific deniers that this could be due to deep-sea volcanic activity, just as they are certain that the Sun does not significantly impact Earth's surface temperature.

However, that still raises the question as to why the surface of the oceans has not gotten warmer.  We at the Andrew Thomas Humanist Science Consortium have discovered a breakthrough in this regard.  The surface of the Earth is covered with railroad tracks, which are excellent heat conductors.  The obvious scientific conclusion is that the global warming heat has been trapped in these tracks, causing them to rapidly expand and distort.  This has resulted in a dramatic increase in rail disasters.

Fortunately, there are potential solutions to this enormous problem.  One particularly viable solution is to install hundreds of millions of solar-powered electric fans along the rails to cool them down.  We are urging the Obama Administration and the Department of Energy to immediately issue multi-billion dollar loans to companies that are capable of building and installing these fans, such as the Thomas Solar Fan Company, which has been a long-time supporter of and contributor to the President's climate change initiatives.

The science behind these conclusions is settled, and any attempt to dispute this could only originate from fraudulent, discredited shills, bought and paid-for by railroad industry capitalist conglomerates.  The level of human devastation depicted in this peer-reviewed³ scientific treatise could contain some inaccuracies, but can we afford to take that chance?

Notes:

¹We will henceforth refer to any of these incidents as a "rail disaster" or "rail accident", as opposed to a "train wreck", in order to avoid confusion with Obamacare.

²Some experts believe these disasters will be of Biblical proportions, ultimately resulting in cats and dogs living together.

³My wife read it, and she agrees with me.

Andrew Thomas blogs at Darkangelpolitics.com