Well, we gay men are in quite a conundrum, I think everyone can agree on that. And we are indeed integral to family and society in some way, in ways far more than political. Then things get confusing, fast.

We are like Schrodinger cats, in a way. We exist and we don't. On the one hand we are terrors out to destroy society, on the other hand we are oh, hairdressers, or fashion designers, or, in my case, printing, followed by a career in advertising.

We are said to be against family, I'm going to my niece's wedding in June. As a homosexual I may well be radical or militant, I suppose, and as a gay man I have a nice career now of piano playing and painting mazes. I'm supposedly trying to undermine society, yet, I exist within it, doing all the necessary things like oh, paying taxes, grocery shopping, paying rent, you know, life. I'm part of a lobby to which I pay no dues, I don't know who the leaders are and which ones supposedly speak for me, and I wrote a paper for Mr. Ford's 9^th grade history class in 1973 that gay guys are just fine, and now I'm writing to you, as me.

In the first part of each equation I'm a homosexual intent on something, in the other I'm this guy in my family, working, with friends. But it is said too that the gayness itself somehow doesn't exist and that it's really just an act I do. What I am the other moments no one seems to say.

And it's not just conservatives who are perplexed, it's the liberals too. And the scientists, and religious leaders, and well, everyone is perplexed on the issue, us included. Gay guys can't really figure out what the fuss is all about, and many people still think we are going to be the end of it all -- and every shade of difference in between. It's not just marriage being discussed, let us be honest. It is this conundrum that we say we exist -- and so much says we shouldn't -- and especially heterosexuals who say we should not exist. But, well, we do, and I can't imagine being anything else.

There was a time in my life, when I was a teen and in my 20s, when nearly 100% of societal force was against me (except my family & friends.) My life was illegal, scorned, treated as demented, subject to treatments like electro-shock therapy and 10 years in jail at hard labor in some states. Only, when I first tried to smooch Franky Rehack in 3^rd grade I had no idea that this was so. Actually, it really didn't dawn on me until 9^th grade that anyone thought there was a problem at all. I was just me. I was a Cub Scout, then a Boy Scout, and summer camp, and school -- my brothers and I had a tree house, we played cowboys and Indians, and soldier, I was on the Larkfield Ave Little League Team, I'm in all the class pictures -- I did all the things boys did, with my brothers. With the same father and mother, the same extended family of aunts and uncles and cousins. And well, there I was, trying to smooch boys. Nothing more than that, I didn't know what sex was. Nor did I want to dress like a girl, or do make up, or any gender bender anything, and I never have. No, it was just, well, something. Maybe my family thought it was a phase I was going through, I don't know, I don't recall. I neither hid it nor flaunted it.

But by 9^th grade it was certainly obvious. Now as to why I grew up the way I did there is no conclusion whatsoever. There are so many theories that it amazes me. They all can't be true, yet, they all are -- for every heterosexual holds one or the other, often strongly. I have yet to meet a straight person without an opinion on why I'm gay. I've heard choice, abuse, molestation, recruited, predisposition, bad parenting, missing dad, birth order, hormones, genes, missing genes, prenatal and postnatal, nurture and nature, environment, and even a germ, and often presented in combination, like it's a recipe and I needed two parts this, and a quart of that, and presto -- the homosexual. All these theories except for choice point to something happening to us at some very early age, certainly no later than puberty -- over which we had no control. Now, choice, well, yes, I admit, I tried to smooch Franky; and a few others. Why I made that "choice" I haven't a clue. Why the idea of smooching a girl never entered my mind, and still doesn't, I haven't a clue either.

Supposedly now because the Democrats have just come out for us, we are Leftist thing. Nothing could be further from the truth. Leftists had no less problem trying to wreck our lives and giving me the old "you sick pervert" than anyone else I ever encountered. Why, during the Cold War the Soviet Union speculated that homosexuality was caused by decadent capitalism and the opiate of religion. Meanwhile, we here in America were saying homosexuality was caused by Godless Communism. Well, everyone certainly agreed homosexuals were a problem -- but everyone blamed the other guy. Just because the Democratic Party has finally agreed to be nice doesn't mean I'm going to go vote for them. I never did before, why start now?

Now, I've always been a sort of Goldwater Republican because my father was, and my uncles, and my grandparents too. My grandparents came from what is now the Czech Republic. I have many cousins over there I've been in touch with all my life. As a teenager I smuggled in the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin to Milos and Ondrej, guys my age, denied the right to listen to rock and roll. I speak Czech well enough to have heard all the horrors of communism. I'm well aware of the National Socialists since I have many letters from my Great-Uncle Otto who spent six years in the camps before being rescued near death. The American and Czech branches of my family lost touch with Otto after he died in Australia. Just two months ago, my political blogging -- which deals with many subjects and the gay thing too -- led Otto's descendents to find me. Now we're all happily reunited and catching up. Nothing says "threat to family" more than the militant homosexual reuniting family torn asunder by socialism. Whose side am I supposed to be on?

Many of you are rightly worried of the police state. Oh, I know it well. Why, remember, I was an outlaw -- from 3^rd grade apparently. When I found out there was a law against it well, I couldn't imagine why. When the police came into bars I was in and did their inquiries I was certainly thinking this can't be allowed under the 1^st Amendment. Where was our right to freely assemble? Where was our right to redress our grievances? Where is our religious right to believe God did make us? And where is our right to be free from baseless accusations?

Oh, I'm not saying accept homosexuality, or like it, or that it is an easy issue to resolve -- but don't fear us like some horror. Think of us more as on the autism spectrum. Yes, something happened to a small number of boys and no one knows why, but well, here we are -- there's even a harmless word for it: Sissies. A conundrum without a doubt, but we just can't be this important. We few simply can't be the lynchpin of what heterosexuals do. We are not responsible for any of this irresponsible procreation or social ills of the broken family or abortion. And none of the people directly involved in this problem ever considered what two gay men were doing or not before they got into their mess. I can't imagine that a single one of you ever thought about what a gay man did before you went on with your lives. Why anyone now thinks this will change I don't know. And we certainly never thought much about what you all did -- why, if we followed your example we wouldn't be gay at all.

Meanwhile, what the gay guys of South America, Europe, Africa, India, China, Asia, and the rest of the world are trying to do is also under discussion. This isn't just an American issue. It's all over the world, us at the exact same percentage, with the same arguments by heterosexuals against us. And the same wild claims that maybe 3 or 4% of the men in the world are trying to destroy civilization -- or conversely, saying a nice word about us will destroy it. It seems impossible that we could have this much power. We certainly aren't seeking power. Our argument is not economic, or control, or taxes or any such thing -- our argument has always been for decency, even the Golden Rule.

Still, even when we were considered crazy by science and psychology, as some still think, we're not even covered by disability or any program whatsoever or the American with Disabilities Act. No, we must work, and earn our way and pay our taxes. Some say we are above average at doing so. Well, if we're these hardworking people who are above average not contributing to unwed mothers and randy fathers -- how can we also be destroying something? How such a tiny few million can harm 300 million also baffles me. It seems as if the mere recognition of us is somehow going to crack the edifice -- or maybe it's just if something nice is said about us.

Well, I could go on forever, it's a big subject over such a tiny group of people. From my view point much ado about nothing, and well, the discussion goes on. But whenever I hear these dreadful things about "homosexuals" and what those people are doing, yes, I'm against it too. As a gay guy embedded in my family I couldn't possibly be for its destruction.