PrintDecember 18, 2010
Hollywood's Aaron Sorkin the Puritan; Alaska's Sarah Palin the Hedonist
"The Puritan hates fox-hunting, not because it brings pain to the fox, but because it brings pleasure to the hunter."
- Lord McCauley
"Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be enjoying himself."
- H.L. Mencken"You [Sarah Palin] weren't killing that animal for food or shelter or even fashion, you were killing it for fun. You enjoy killing animals. What she did [is] heart-stoppingly disgusting ... I don't have a visceral problem eating meat or wearing a belt ... I don't enjoy the fact that they're dead and I certainly don't want to volunteer to be the one to kill them."
- Aaron Sorkin, in the Huffington Post, reacting to a caribou hunt on "Sarah Palin's Alaska"
Well, goody for you, Aaron! A gold star for the little boy with the glasses! So screenwriter Sorkin prefers the role of Don Barzini to that of Michael Corleone. Your loyal servant here often found himself on Bill Maher's "Politically Incorrect," surrounded by such people. Ah, yes, Hollywood: a place where you're denounced for spearfishing -- by the patrons of a sushi bar! Here was (the late and great actor) James Coburn, along with Tom Green, Florence Henderson, and others, gnawing on buffalo wings and salmon croquettes in the "Politically Incorrect" greenroom, then going on stage to bash me for hunting ducks and spearing fish.
"The difference between you and me, James," I chuckled at an enraged Coburn, "is the difference between Don Barzini and Mikey Corleone." Coburn sat back and glowered. "Others pulled the triggers, but Barzini put the hit on Don Corleone, remember? Just like you put a hit on a cute, defenseless creature every time you buy meat. Now recall McCluskey's and Sollazo's fate in that restaurant. Mikey insisted on carrying out his own hits. He looked the issue in the face. He shouldered the responsibility -- like hunters. We do our own dirty work. Those mallards, deer, and grouper I hunt down, assassinate, then eat are no deader than the chicken and salmon I watched you eat fifteen minutes ago. And until I whacked them, they lived a much more enjoyable life than the chicken you're still digesting. Hunters revel in the role nature handed us: predator -- no guilty conscience about it whatsoever. You hand off the responsibility to a slaughterhouse worker. Fine, that's your business. But don't get all smug about it. You're as culpable for that chicken's death as I am for the duck's. But unlike you -- us hunters look nature's mandates right in the face!"
"This is too damn easy," I finally told Bill. "I'm a hunter, for heaven's sake. I like a challenge, some sport. Get me on here with some vegetarians next time. That'll make my job harder."
"'A rat is a pig is a dog is a boy,' says PETA," I raved on another show at (PETA board member) Maher himself. "Fine, but rats, pigs, and dogs all hunt and kill other animals. Yet you PETA people want to deny the boy the same role. You contradict your own doctrine."
"My dog doesn't hunt!" shouted former "Talk Soup" host John Henson from beside me.
"No, John," I laughed. "That's because you pay someone to kill a wild horse, grind it up, and put it in a can for him. You do this every time you buy dog food, amigo."
"Yeah, right!" sneered Tom Green. "Pigs hunt?"
"Yes, Tom," I said, rolling my eyes. "In fact wild pigs eat their prey -- cuddly baby rabbits, chirping baby birds -- alive. Granted, you won't learn this from a stool at Starbucks. Get out in the woods and you'd see it. ... And you out there!" I said pointing at the booing, snarling studio audience. "What do you animal-rightists feed your cats, huh? Many of you love cats, right? Feed it vegetables, and you can be locked up for animal cruelty. You'll starve it to death. Feed it cat food, and you're paying for the murder of chickens, fish, pigs, cows, etc. So go ahead, feel all smug.
"And another thing! You gals like those bee-stung lips and wrinkle-free faces, right? Well, where the heck you think collagen comes from? I'll tell ya: murdered cows! And that lipstick on your bee-stung lips -- the glycerin in them also comes from boiling the corpses of murdered cows! And the lanolin in your hand cream and in the suntan lotion you wear on Venice Beach -- murdered sheep this time! And the transmission and brake fluid in the Volvos and Beemers you drove here -- murdered and boiled cows again!"
"And another thing! You gals like those bee-stung lips and wrinkle-free faces, right? Well, where the heck you think collagen comes from? I'll tell ya: murdered cows! And that lipstick on your bee-stung lips -- the glycerin in them also comes from boiling the corpses of murdered cows! And the lanolin in your hand cream and in the suntan lotion you wear on Venice Beach -- murdered sheep this time! And the transmission and brake fluid in the Volvos and Beemers you drove here -- murdered and boiled cows again!"
I always had a blast out there.
"Wealthy trophy hunters, many from out of state, will pay for the pleasure of shooting a lion so they can hang mountain lions over their mantelpieces." Thus ran, word for word, the scientifically based campaign to ban cougar hunting in California backed by the Sierra Club.
So now more "problem" (eating Californians' pets, and starting on the Californians themselves) lions are killed in California by frowning (taxpayer- and hunting license fee-salaried) wildlife officers than were killed previously by (tax- and hunting license-paying) hunters!
But at least none get hung over a mantelpiece. Instead, they're dumped in an incinerator. Yippee! Happy now, Greenies?
Humberto Fontova is the author of four books, including Fidel: Hollywood's Favorite Tyrant and Exposing the Real Che Guevara. Visit hfontova.com.
