PrintJuly 23, 2010
'Progressive'? Awww, Grow Up!
What's with this prissy little act all over the Dark Side of the Web, with millions of lefty kids texting on their iPhones, digging their toes in the sand, and shyly twisting around, making big eyes at Daddy, and going:
"I'm a progressive!"
Little peek to see if Daddy loves ooom.
Squeak! So much fun!
Here, try a little experiment. Google the phrase I am a progressive. How many hits do you get?
See, I told ya!
I make it 43,900,000 hits. Of course, these things can grow like a giant ink spot to cover the earth. Global warmers have a model for that. It's always the same Malthusian model, and they have at least 44 million goofheads who keep falling for it. They are progressive.
Now what does that tell us about those emotional children? How many adults do you know -- actual grownups -- who go around telling each other, "I'm so cute, I'm a progressive"? Look at me, Daddy!
Adults don't do that. There is a time to be a child, and there's a time to grow up. But 44 million people on the web are defying a basic fact of life. I'm a progressive!
That slick little self-preening phrase is now going viral on the Dark Side. It holds the answer to a lot of political questions, I'm afraid.
The hearts of parents everywhere grow warm with honest love when they see their three-year olds saying that kind of thing. It is so cute! Well, it really is. But if the kids keep repeating it after age ten or twenty or thirty, maybe the family should start to worry.
What's the matter with this kid, isn't he ever gonna grow up?
The Left's unanimous answer is to that is a big, fat No!
Just try to make me. Betcha can't make me. I'm not gonna ‘cause I don't hafta.
There are 44 million of them on the web.
Got an oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico? Got nuclear fanatics doing Heil Hitler rallies in that other Gulf place? Except now they're all going Death to America! Death to Israel!? And they've been doing it ever since Jimmy Carter had his first set of shiny white teeth?
Bye, baby! I'm off to practice my swing. Golf? Gulf? How do you spell that? Aww, that one. Well, gotta go. I'm outta here. Tell Hillary to handle it. She's a big girl.
Be good!
Zoom.
In Obama's America, nobody has to say "I'm sorry" and mean it. Except when you really want to say,
"I'm real sorry about those grown-up Americans who won all the big wars in the last hundred years and kept the world safe for civilization!"
Soooooo sorry. It won't happen again. Ever.
Promise.
And when it comes to defending civilization, it really won't happen again, as long as Our Hero is in charge. Let the Russians police the world. We can trust Vladimir Putin ... No, ummmm ... not the Russians ... ummm ... China? ... no ... gotta think ... Japan had that Co-Prosperity Sphere ... ummm ... the Brits? They don't even want it anymore. Lost the knack.
The Muslims? Well, yeah, they're happy to be world cops ... A'jad and those funny little Guards are trying, but they sound a little too eager ...
How about the U.N.? We can trust them! Look at the great job they're doing all over Africa.
This hurts only when I laugh. But it is getting to be not funny fast.
Everybody knows liberals are emotionally retarded. Come on, admit it to yourself. It's part of their elfin charm. That's why the word "liberal" doesn't fit with "responsible." Try saying it out loud: "responsible liberal, responsible liberal"...
No, it still doesn't compute. Wonder why.
The psychiatric codeword is "emotional regression," as if your emotions stayed fixed around age four while your body got bigger. That's why liberals like Whoopi Goldberg are celebrated for baby talk, as in Ms. Goldberg's famous line about Hollywood's celebrated child rapist Roman Polanski:
Oh, well, that explains it, then.
Do they look for baby talk at your job? The Whoopster does it because it's her way of relating. It doesn't look like an act. Whoopi was like that when she was still named Caryn Johnson. Advanced babyhood is a state of being, a character type. It's all over the Left. Wonder why.
If you're a lawyer or an airplane pilot, you could try a little baby talk at work. But keep your daytime job, OK?
It's like Jack Kerouac's On The Road: I looked for my real self, and it turned out to be my six-year-old kid.
Now we can relate.
For the emotionally retarded Left, being regressed is practically a mandate. Think about Congress. Are there any grownups on the Left side of that old aisle?
They call themselves Progressive, but of course they are Regressive. That's what the word means.
Take the sixties. (Please!)
The sixties was a whole decade and a half of emotional regression for every would-be kid in the Western world. In the minds of millions of Democrats, it never ended. What year is it? Naaaahh. Gimme a toke, man.
They keep trying to make The sixties happen again ... and again ... and again ... Check out the iTunes website, and you see all the rock bands trying to do the sixties again, but now in a very sad key. It's lookin' bad for the sixties, dude.
I'm a pro-gress-ive. Why aren't they rolling on the floor laughing when they say that? Because it's totally awesome, man. It's so, ummmm ... courageous.
Could you say things like that without wanting to die from shame? I've never understood it. But check out Huffpo and that part of the lower regions of Hell. These people are for real.
Progressive?
Awww, grow up!
