July 25, 2009

Science Fiction, Global Warming & Universal Healthcare

By Harold Witkov

Ever since I was a child, I have enjoyed watching aliens assault our planet Earth on both the small and large screens. It all started when I first witnessed Ming the Merciless project a deadly Nitron Ray from planet Mars onto the Earth, causing horrific changes in our atmosphere and threatening the lives of mankind.

In The Blob, I saw a baby "blob" arrive on a meteor and grow with every human it consumed. In Invasion of the Body Snatchers, I beheld strange seedpods from outer space replicate the human forms of the doomed while they peacefully slept. In War of the Worlds, and, in Independence Day, I watched alien spaceships put on a show of never before equaled devastation via advanced laser-type lethal weaponry.

So what is to be expected in the next sci-fi thriller about aliens attacking planet Earth? As I see it, the aliens, as usual, will be looking to kill Earthlings as quickly and easily as possible with little or no fatalities to themselves. As of now, unfortunately, I have yet to figure out an appropriate movie title. I also have no clue how the outer space aliens are to be defeated. I do understand, however, if this sci-fi movie is going to be a cutting edge thriller, it will need to build upon the popular culture of today. Therefore, based on today's global warming fear mongering, Hollywood's most effective battle scenes of aliens ruthlessly attacking planet Earth will contain the often-repeated use of the following theme:

Unprovoked alien spaceships arrive undetected. With their protective shields up, they begin laser melting the North Pole while they drop carbon dioxide emitting canisters on human population centers.

Except for the fact that the "Blob" never died but was parachuted, frozen, onto the North Pole and might be awakened if the North Pole begins to melt, the above science fiction thriller does not sound very scary, nor should it. But what if scientifically advanced Martians actually existed, hovered in their spaceships above planet Earth, and really did want to destroy humanity? What would their plans entail? The conversation between their two most prominent leaders would probably go something like this:

Martian # 1: We must destroy the Earthlings. But how?

Martian # 2: Why not let man-made global warming do it for us?

Martian # 1: Are you kidding? We do not have 100,000 years.

Martian # 2: Why not just wait for Earthlings to pass their Cap and Trade Climate Bills?

Martian # 1: Great idea! That way the energies of the planet remain preserved while the Earthlings quickly tax themselves to death.

Martian # 2: I think it would be a win-win for us.

Martian # 1: I agree. Hey, you want to watch a movie? I have my favorite sci-fi DVD with me, An Inconvenient Truth, starring Al Gore.

Martian # 2: I cannot right now. I have plans to beam down to the United States because I am in need of surgery. You know it is common knowledge that America provides the best medical care in the galaxy.

Martian # 1: But we Martians have good universal healthcare.

Martian # 2: Yeah, but good luck. I am presently on an eighty-year waiting list.

Martian # 1: But you do not have any Earthling American dollars to pay for surgery!

Martian # 2: That's not a problem. I don't need any. I'm an alien.