PrintJuly 6, 2009
Let's cap and trade oxygen!
Enough already with carbon cap and trade. I say let's cap oxygen, and then tax any family that can't achieve the Average Family Oxygen Target of 80% BOOTS (Before Obama Oxygen Trading Scheme). Remember, if you weren't inhaling all that O2 you wouldn't be belching out clouds of noxious CO2. Yuck. Yes, I know oil refineries smell bad and coal looks dirty. But none of that carbon would ever see the light of day if it weren't for all the oxygen you suck in, you greed bucket. So let's get down to root causes.
Here's the goal. If we can only get five billion people around the world to breathe 20% less oxygen per person, we would Save the Planet from Global Warming. Just like that!
Twenty percent less O2 going into your body means 20% less CO2 out-gassing, atom-for-atom. It's just like cutting down the world population by a billion polluting oxygen hogs.
Capping oxygen is actually the hardest part. Once you learn to cut down your intake, we just set up a market to trade official credits for the unbreathed O2 that you could have inhaled but didn't. Let's assume for the sake of planetary computer modeling that you can personally cut down your breathing by 20%. Try it! Just hold your nose and breathe through a straw. And when you get that strangled feeling, just remember you're Saving the Planet. Lay back and think of Paul Krugman.
Did you ever want to lose weight? This is the ecologically responsible way to do it. It's the Oxygen Sparing Diet. If you breathe just one-fifth less oxygen you'll be eating one-fifth less food, because your body uses all that oxygen to metabolize your French fries and fat-burgers. The benefits are out of this world.
Now here's the free market angle. Congress can pass a law stating that if you achieve more than the mandated National O2 Reduction of 20% you will receive an official US Government Oxygen Trading Credit for all the oxygen you did not breathe beyond 20%. It's like price supports for farmers, except that everybody can play. For instance, if you cut your O2 down by 25% you receive a 5% Oxygen Trading Credit, to sell to your huffing and puffing neighbors on a free market basis. If you breathe 30% less, you get a 10% OTC. It's supply and demand!
Or consider this option: For the average family of five --- two adults, two kids and a dog --- just get rid of a family member. You can start by getting rid of your dog. Do you have any idea how much oxygen a running dog breathes? Do your Planet a favor, please. And once you get the hang of it...
Even cars breathe oxygen to burn gasoline. Cut your driving by 20% --- after all, you won't need to drive now that you're breathing less --- and not only will you cut carbon pollution, but you can slice even more off your greedy Oxygen Excess. And don't forget that you can sell all your Oxygen Trading Credits to your O2-hogging neighbors.
Once you get used to cutting down your O2 you'll like yourself a lot better. The Planet will thank you. So will your neighbors.
Try it if you don't believe it. Breathe in just a little bit less every single day, until you're down 10%, then 15%, 20% ... and more? You could actually build your income from the Oxygen Trading Credits if you manage to cut down by 30% or even 40%. Just breathe through that straw and hold your nose.
Remember, Oxygen is Poison!
