PrintJune 2, 2009
Republican Party Survival Plan for the Obama Years
-Satire-
I am sick and tired of hearing that Republicans need to shelve their conservative values if they want to survive. This idea could not be farther from the truth. In fact, the way things are going under President Obama, I can guarantee the Republicans will return to power within the next eight years, assuming they follow a specific plan of action.
The nuclear world is getting more dangerous everyday. China and Russia cannot be trusted. How long will it be before Pakistan shares her nuclear technology with a more radical Muslim nation, or terrorist group? Ahmadinejad wants to erase Israel from the map. As he closes in on nuclear capability, what plans does he have for the United States? North Korean lunatic dictator Kim Jung Il keeps improving his long-range missile technology and recently set off a powerful underground nuclear explosion. And with all these ominous shadows over the globe, our President holds on to the belief he can persuade maniac dictators from their ambitions by using his charm and with the help of world community sanctions. There is a nuclear storm coming and when the 3AM phone call comes to the White House, it will be too late.
Here is the plan. In order for the GOP to survive the Obama years, we need to start building fallout shelters in our backyards. When the nukes start falling, the theory goes, we Republicans will be safe in our bunkers. When the mushroom clouds clear, the vaporized Democrats will be gone and everyone left will be Republicans!
Once we commence building our fallout shelters, we may discover that some of our Democrat friends will be upset with us. If that happens to you, be sure you are reassuring. Say, "I do not want Obama to fail, I really want Obama to succeed, and he probably will, but I'm doing this just in case." Over time, the Obama White House may decide that Republicans building fallout shelters in their backyards might be bad for Democrat morale and accuse Republicans of being un-American. They might even go so far as to outlaw fallout shelters. If that is the case, we must secretly adapt. Cover the backyard entrance to your fallout shelter with a round rubber child's pool and secretly, from your home, tunnel underground to complete your bunker. Once completed, start storing canned goods and other essentials, and feel free to include a copy of the U.S. Constitution.
At some point in time, probably when it appears our President is nearing some great nuclear proliferation breakthrough, the nukes will start falling on America. Of course, when the bombs start falling, our Democrat friends will snap out of their mesmerism, understand the danger, and discover their Republican neighbors are safe within shelters. They will no doubt seek us out, start pounding upon our bunker doors, and plead for us to let them in. We will have no choice but to do so. After all, they are our fellow Americans. Besides, it would be a great way to demonstrate compassionate conservatism.
In writing this satire, it is not my intention to jest about the potential deaths of millions of Americans because, regardless of party affiliation, each human life is a precious gift from God. If nuclear bombs rain down upon us, fallout shelters will not help. We all lose. However, the American people need to understand the dangerous path our President is following. Someone needs to tell him there are evil dictators in the world and to let them develop and perfect nuclear weapons is unconscionable behavior.
Someone should also tell the President he is just as vulnerable to a nuclear attack as the rest of us. After all, with Joe Biden as his VP, it is only a matter of time before the tyrants of the world learn where the President's secret hideout is.
