January 10, 2009

After the Feds Bail Out the Porn Industry

By Doug Powers

Ever wonder what it might be like if the government ran the porn industry? We may soon find out.

Sleezeballs, smut peddlers, hustlers and those who make a living by profiting from the scummy underbelly of society -- I'm of course referring to Congress -- will soon see the porn industry requesting a bailout:

Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis and "Hustler" magazine publisher Larry Flynt have said they will petition Congress for financial aid along the lines of what the Big Three auto makers are getting.

Francis said that he and Flynt are asking for $5 billion, and that they have sent letters to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Congress and their local Congressman, Henry Waxman (D-Calif.) with the proposal. Rep. Waxman's office did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

With the $5 billion, they would "invest in building new means of distribution, and shoring up our distribution right now to prevent further erosion from factors like Youporn and other Internet content that has seriously affected our business over the past few years," Francis said in an interview with FOX Business. "We will use the money wisely, and we will create more jobs."

By the way, this is a business in which "Too big to fail" isn't just a catch phrase -- it's the title of one of the movies that will be produced with the bailout money. The only mistake Flynt and Francis are making is that the bailout money would be in their hands quicker if they'd promise to use the cash to invest in hybrid sex toys for use in all films -- because any good member of Congress likes to know his filth is "green."

Actually, I heard from a well-placed source of mine... in the porn industry... that Congress has told Francis and Flynt that they'll get their money, but only if the government can run their businesses for them, just like is happening with the auto industry.

At least we've finally found something practical Congress is actually qualified to do. Who better to oversee the porn industry than some of the world's biggest schmucks?

If the government ever does take over the porn industry, what would happen? Not only will the production of a $10,000 video come in $535 million over budget only before realizing during the movie's premiere that the camera operator forgot to remove the lens cap, but we can also look forward to movies with great titles like this:

Dirk Diggler lectures barely legal teens about the dangers of second-hand smoke

Takin' it in the earmark

Senate Intelligence Committee Girls Gone Wild!

Larry Craig in ‘Stalled Negotiations'

DILFs on RILFs!

Orgy in the Pub(l)ic Trough

The secret in Barney Frank's apartment

Phil, A-Buster

Tammy Taxpayer Gets Uncle Sam's Stimulus Package

The Ponzi Ream

The Minority Whip

And of course the most appropriately titled government porn ever: Wildly Incompetent F@%#s!