PrintDecember 24, 2007
Dear Santa, Send the Dream Team
Dear Santa,
This Christmas please send me the Dream Team of Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich running together on a new 3rd party ticket -- the Contrarian Party. I know what you're thinking, Santa. Your wall-sized media scanner is already picking up enough political white noise from the U.S; why dial up the amps? But look, Santa, I get more choices for how my chicken gets cooked at KFC than with elephants versus donkeys. So how about a new batter?
I've been thinking, 'cause I know you've got a lot on your mind right now with Global Warming melting your workshop and all, about how you could make this gift happen, this Contrarian Party ticket. Here's what you do:
Dress up Mrs. Claus like Senator Clinton and have her visit NM Governor Bill Richardson on Christmas Eve, pretending to be the Ghost of Christmas Future; you know the story. Have her tell him to convene a secret meeting between the holidays between Ron and Dennis. Those two know they have about as much chance to be nominated as a team of your biggest elves has of winning the Super Bowl this year. Have the Mrs. tell Bill to use his vast diplomatic experience, just don't get him talking about it, to broker a deal between Ron and Dennis. Suggest to Bill how a success would enhance his chances of becoming the Secretary of State in a Democrat Administration. It should be an easy sell. He's wanting out of New Mexico.
Have Bill host this secret conference at a motel near Area 51 in Nevada, the place where all that spooky stuff happens. Ron will like that cause it's an example of uncontrolled big government. And Dennis will come early to commune with the extraterrestrials.
The sticking point in their negotiations will probably be those Ron Paul Coins that the F.B.I. seized recently. With all your holiday prep, you probably missed the msnbc.com report on how the Feds mistook Ron's fund-raising coins for a counterfeit operation and raided the shop in Indiana where they're made. It's all been settled now, but Dennis will want to be in on the next minting of those highly coveted, collectors' edition, commemorative keepsakes. So do this: tell Mrs. Claus to tell Bill, to tell Ron, to tell Dennis that his and his wife Elizabeth's likeness (with her sitting and him standing since she's a whole lot taller) will be displayed on the "tails" side of the next minting. That way, Dennis will agree to be the VP candidate. And if he hesitates, promise him Secretary of Defense, too.
That's it, Santa. That's all I want. Happy trails to you, and Ho Ho Ho.
