March 20, 2007

Who's on First

By Marc Sheppard

Months before last year's midterm elections, the prospect of the nation's 1^st Madam Speaker of the House fueled seemingly endless gushing news stories, op-eds, and blog rants. As we kick off history's 1^st 2-year-long presidential election season, those same outlets are again abuzz over the potential White House "firsts" it might bring.

If you're thinking they're excited about the first election in 80 years with neither a sitting president nor a sitting vice president on the ticket - as we say here in Hillary land -- forgetaboutit.

No, multicultist cheerleaders who thought last year's election of our first Muslim congressman was just swell are burning their pom-poms over the very prospect of our next chief executive being the first black, first female or first Latino to hold the job. Budding diversity aficionados are further delighted by other announced hopefuls including the would-be first septuagenarian, first Mormon, first Italian-American and, although a returning fourth and long shot, the first apparent citizen of Middle Earth.

And, should whispers of N.Y City's 1^st billionaire mayor throwing his hat into the Independent ring grow louder, we could soon be hearing from the first viable Jewish candidate for leader of the free world (take that, jihadists).

Granted, the bloom of reaching there first quickly fades upon the arrival of the inevitable second, especially in politics. But a successful bid by New York's 1^st female senator would represent a number of potential ordinal records -- well beyond the tediously over-touted one -- which will surely withstand most tests time may proctor.

Sure, Hillary would be the 1^st woman to be elected President -- but certainly not the last. On the other hand, adding "elected president" to her existing "elected to the Senate" and "to be criminally investigated" and "to claim spousal privilege under oath" first lady firsts list would likely sustain the appendage "and only" indefinitely.

Still, her husband - the non-black who beat the half-black Obama to the title of America's 1^st black president and the 1^st president ever accused of rape or sued for sexual harassment -- would continue to second-best her by establishing benchmarks all but unapproachable.

Bill, already dubiously distinguished as the 1^st elected American president ever to be impeached, would become our 1^st first Gentleman (technically speaking, anyway), as well as the 1^st ex-president (both impeached and otherwise) to be so honored.

And, in the unlikely event that the future delivers contenders for each of their individually held records, team Clinton would capture a mixed doubles title destined to outlast even boxer Rocky Marciano's one-shy-of-fifty consecutive victory milestone by becoming only the 2^nd 3^rd term 1^st family.

But the achievement destined to keep the Clintons on the books in perpetuity is that of the 1^st 3^rd term 1^st family to require both a legal defense fund and friends to shield them from treason allegations by taking the 5^th for the 2000^th time.

Then again, their first ever second act as first family could potentially include a fourth term during which the fourth estate runs interference for their outrages while they both perjuriously speak some first person narrative variation of "I don't know" while under oath for the upteen^th time.

The $64,000 question is: given her third-rate hucksterism and his second-to-no-one narcissism, when it comes time for the limelight -- subpoena-illuminated or otherwise -- who's on first?