PrintSuspicions rise in Durbin incident
[Satire]
The body of Senator Richard (Dick) Durbin's wife, Loretta, was found lying motionless in the couple's bed over the weekend, touching off a firestorm of speculation as to whether the Illinois lawmaker may have killed her.
Although the details are still sketchy at this time, it appears that Mrs. Durbin was found partially clothed in the bedroom of the Senator's Springfield home late Sunday evening. Sources close to the investigation say that Mr. Durbin did not seem to be overly disturbed by the discovery.
Springfield police are not commenting on the matter officially. However, a departmental insider, speaking on condition of anonymity, has stated that the Senator appears to be as guilty as the "Nazis" and "Pol Pot," even though evidence of foul play has yet to be revealed in the case.
While accusations of murder are being called absurd by some, especially now that Mrs. Durbin seems to have only been sleeping on the night in question and is, in fact, not dead, it is this reporter's belief that the first half of this non—story is still worth telling... over and over and over again.
After all, just because a crime hasn't actually been committed, that's no reason to stop reporting on it, as practically any New York Times or Washington Post journalist who's been covering the Karl Rove/CIA story will tell you.
And as Dan Rather once said, when confronted with the revelation that the evidence he'd used to sully the the president's National Guard service had been faked,
"I believe in the story. What kind of reporter would I be — what kind of person would I be — if I put something on the air that I believed and then didn't stand behind it? At the first sign of pressure, you run, you cave, you fold? I don't do that."
Damned right, Dan, and that's why I will continue to imply (without actually coming out and saying it) that Senator Durbin has committed murder, even though I know he couldn't possibly have done so. Heck, maybe in a few months, if everything goes well and I am able to convince a substantial number of people that Dick Durbin is a homicidal maniac, I'll be able to get a job at a major news network!
Ben Dover covers non—existent news for the Daley Times—Post
