[satire]

The Bush Administration, today, announced its intention to offer amnesty to all undocumented drug traffickers beginning in the year 2006.

The announcement came as pressure increased from vocal anti—drug lobbyists and beleaguered Congressional leaders for action to address the problem of illegal drugs entering the country. 'The increase in illegal drugs coming across our borders is a major problem,' said a White House spokesperson, 'and we intend to take serious action.'

Word of the new administration policy comes with acknowledgement that illegal drug trafficking has become more of a problem in recent years, as the price of homegrown illicit drugs has skyrocketed for the drug abuser.

Drugs have been crossing the border throughout the Southwest at a rapidly increasing rate in search of the economic advantages of the U.S. market. 'The demand is strong for illicit drugs,' said an admnistration spokesman, 'but most Americans balk at the cost. They simply will not take such expensive domestic drugs, so we must allow the lower—cost drugs to migrate. It is really basic Capitalism 101. I don't understand the problem.'

The Bush Administration has been taking increasing heat for what some regard as it's too—friendly approach to our southern neighbor's illegal pharmaceutical industry's incursions at the expense of Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and California suppliers.

'The call for stopping the flow of illegal, and I might add, affordable, drugs is the latest example of xenophobic racism run rampant throughout the South'  said a spokesperson for the civil rights group D.O.P.E. — Drugs, Our Personal Entitlement.  

President Bush echoed this sentiment during a rally he attended later the same day in Palm Beach, Florida, saying,

'What is good for all people, is good for all people. Folks like to feel good.' he said. 'And drugs help them feel good.' 'In a Democracy the will of the People is paramount,' he continued, 'and folks should not be denied the right to feel good, in a democracy.'

Law enforcement agencies have reported an increasingly difficult time recently in apprehending illicit drug traffickers along the Mexican—US border. In addition to the enormous problem of monitoring over a thousand miles of border, and working with limited resources, they also must deal with the ever—conflicting expectations of Federal authorities.

The White House announcement is seen by some as an attempt to clarify the administration's position now and for the immediate future. A sympathetic Republican Congressional staffer spoke off—the—record,

'We simply can't stop the flow of illegal drugs into this country. We must be realistic; we do not have the will or the desire to do so. Besides, the good folks of Mexico deserve a decent return on their investments too. Therefore, this bold new policy will bring a better, more compassionate, more realistic response to the problem of the expensive buzz. We live in a global economy.

Response to the administration's announcement was predictable. Al Sharpton said, 'It's another racist policy.' Patrick J. Buchanan, MSNBC pundit and former presidential candidate pointedly remarked, 'The Roman Empire began its demise with the illegal importation of cheap Carthaginian reefer.' Senator John McCain of Arizona announced he was, 'studying the problem,' and would have a further announcement prepared regarding the policy sometime before the 2008 Republican Convention.

While not fully endorsing the President's policy, both the House and Senate Leader have promised to join efforts in forming a bi—partisan commission to study the issue.

Andrew Sumereau writes from East Stroudsburg, PA